Friday, November 2, 2018

Four More Years!!

There I was, sitting at my accustomed spot in the universe and listening to my beard grow. Alas, 'twere Fate that it were ever so. But then, who's to say what the quiddity of Fate is, or what the stochastic alterity of Time is, or what Yahoo Serious is doing these days...?

*sigh*

Thankfully, Justkidding came over to dispel my tedious philosophical musings.

"I need you to give me money," she said. "Ten large."

I grunted in my beard.

"COME ON. Here, I'll make it easy for you." Justkidding shoved me to one side and brought up her Funding A Go Go site. "What's your bank routing number?"

"What is this for, exactly?"

"It's for my movie about women of color running for office!"

"Oh, right. Like Lisa Toblerone?"

"Calderon, dummy."

"Sorry. Right. But I do love white chocolate. Does that make me not a racist? Then again, is white chocolate just chocolate in whiteface?"

"You. are. trash."

Justkidding stomped away and left me to my beardly ruminations on the Lacanian tripod and the Aztec Camera--when Zani came over.

"Greg! I can't get into my computer I think it's because I changed my password and they don't like what I changed it to or I just forgot it and I don't remember it and now I can't get into my computer and I don't know what to do can you help I need help can you help?"

"Breathing is helpful. Have you tried that?"

"Do you think they don't like my password but don't we have freedom of expression in this country? I thought we did I just changed it to something against the president that's my new password but maybe I can't remember it."

Then she leaned close. The atoms on her nose intermingled with mine.

"My new password is... FUCKTHEPRESIDENT. Do you think they denied me access because of my password but I can't remember if I added some numbers or not?"

"Don't worry, the FBI has been informed."

While Zani rushed off to report herself to the authorities Jonah and Justron interrupted their Talmudic exegesis to harass the goy.

Justron looked after Zani. "What's the problem with that Jew?"

"Jewish," I said. "What's the problem with that Jewish."

Jonah was still wiping off his Halloween makeup.

"Did you go as Hegel?"

"How did you know??"

Justron was joining us he-men in the beard harvesting. His theory, or beory, was that all the superstars in the NBA had chops of Civil-War-era mutton, so therefore more beard meant more splashes from downtown.

"If that's true, then Todd would be MVP of the league."

"Todd?" Justron said. "That would be Most Vegan Person."

Todd poked his whiskers around the corner. "Did someone call my name??"

He had just got done pissing. There was a tragic dark spot on his jeans.

"Look at this," he said. "Don't ever get your dick pierced. I can't pee straight anymore. Sometimes I think I'll just snip that piece of skin with some scissors."

I was in full-on shudder mode when Karen appeared. She grabbed my chair back and rolled me into the office.

"What's this about you retiring in two years??!"

I shrugged in apology. "I was just thinking about it."

"Well, you can't. You have to stay for at least four more. You just gotta."

I rustled my beard with a sigh. "Okay. Maybe. I don't know yet."

"Great. Then it's agreed. You'll stay four more years!"

Karen rolled me back to my place, and led the staff in chanting:

"FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS.....!!"

I saluted the crowd and then I was carried around the library on their shoulders before they all had to be hospitalized. I was alone again. I started to think about things. What had I been ruminating about? Oh! Right. Yahoo Serious was indeed working on a new movie and he... zzzzzzzzz.

Todd whispered: "Four more years."

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