Friday, December 22, 2017

Foam Born Screaming Queens

Walter Weiner came into the library. He was our origami specialist, something every good library has. He was there to finish making origami ornaments for the Christmas tree (Winter Intermission Bush for those with tender feelings).

"Hi, Greg," Walter said. His face was lumpy, with what looked like pastrami packed in his cheeks. "Here's an ornament for you."

"Oh, thanks, Walter." I took the delicate Drummer Boy ornament he'd made. It put me in mind of the song: a rumpa pum pum... Heh, heh. Great stuff.

"I'm off to do some decorating!" he sang.

Todd watched him. He turned to me.

"What?" I said.

"You know what I'm thinking," he said, beardfully.

I sighed. In order to divert the ineluctable topic, I told a joke. An origami one.

"So what's the difference between origami and Ronald Reagan?"

"What."

"One is a folding art, and the other is an olding fart."

Todd looked back at Walter Weiner. He was doing some mad origami--his hands were fast as lightnin'.

"I wish these screaming queens would just come out of the closet already."

"But he's married," I said, tiredly.

"He's smokin' pole all day long."

Behind us, a shelver left a cart in the entryway.

"I hate it when they do that," Todd said, looking around.

"What? Why?"

"Because if there's an active shooter, I want to get away fast. These carts are in the way!"

"Yes, I can see it now. Some maniac comes in with an automatic weapon--you leap off your chair, and then fall over a cart. There you lie, and some punk pops a cap in your beard. Your body lies riddled with bullet holes beside the fatal cart, your arms outstretched with white gloves... Sad, really."

Jonah came over. "What are you two jokers talking about?"

"For your information, I'm a very serious person," I said, with jowls. "But if you must know, we were talking about the ASC."

"ASC?"

"The Active Shooter Corridor. That's where we'll all egress during a shooting."

Jonah brushed back his Jesus locks. "Actually, if there's an active shooter I want to be the hero. I'll crawl around the floor and then smash his skull in with Phenomenology of Spirit."

"Ugh. Wouldn't Being and Time work just as well?"

Walter Weiner came over to borrow a pair of origami scissors.

"Thanks!"

Walter Weiner went back to the tree. Todd frowned.

"Look, he's not gay," I said. "He has a wife. Haven't you met her?"

"Dude, he folds paper. How more homo can you get??"

"Are you saying a straight man can't have effeminate traits?"

"Yes."

"What about a woman? If she has masculine traits?"

"She's a carpet licker."

"What if the guy subscribes to Esquire?"

"Lots of straight men get Esquire. D-don't they?"

Karen came over and busted up our parliamentary debate. She wanted to make sure everyone got their fifteen dollar gift cards--our Christmas gift from the city.

I jumped up. "WOOOOWEEEE. Fifteen dollars. Watch out, town! I'm about to live it up like F. Scott and Zelda!!"

"I think your references need some updating," Jonah said not unlike the Nazarene.

Karen then yelled at us about how awful men were. She had faced out only women in the biography section, and made sure that I saw it.

"I'm sick of men," Karen said.

We stared at her.

"Not you guys." She laughed hoarsely, insanely.

She retreated to her office.

"And what about her?" I said. "Sick of men? Eh? Seems a bit masculine with the cowboy boots and the punches on the arm."

"Karen?"

"Yes."

"No. She's just straight up cracker pants," Todd said.

"Ah! A new gender is born!"

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