Fob Job

I noticed my fob wasn't working. I pointed it at my Subaru and sometimes it locked, other times it didn't. I looked at my fob. Do fobs break down?

I went in for an oil change. By the way, I said, can you fix my fob?

"Fob? We don't fix fobs."

"You don't have a fob fixer on staff?"

"No, it just needs a new battery." He wrote down a number on a post-it. "Here. You can get the battery at any auto parts store."

"Au-to parts?"

Disappointed not to have my fob fixed, I eventually found the strength within me to go to an au-to parts store. Some guy had his truck in front with the hood open, tires off, small fire, etc. I was getting itchy already. Hopefully they had a fob fixer on call 24/7.

I went up to the counter. "Ah, yes, I need my fob fixed? Err, here's the number." I handed him the post-it as if picking up my dry cleaning.

"Yeah." The guy reached for a spinner on the counter. He handed me a tiny battery. "There you go."

"Ah, great. And...? Can you put it in?"

"What? No, we don't fix fobs here."

"Oh. Is there like a fob fixing store somewhere? Where they fix fobs? Maybe a kiosk at the mall, or...?"

"No."

"Mm."

"It's easy. You just open it up, unscrew that little screw there, and pop it in."

"Right."

I was a man. How hard could it be?

Can anyone help a semi-retarded man fix his fob??

Now there was another problem. I needed to unscrew the little screw, and I didn't have a tiny Phillips screwdriver. I wandered the aisles of the auto parts store. Screwdrivers, screwdrivers... Hmmm. I tried to look confident, masculine (fail). I went up the next aisle. And the next. Do they even carry screwdrivers? I was getting aggravated. Why couldn't they just fix my fob? I'd pay the guy to do it! I'd upgrade him!

HERE'S FIFTY DOLLARS. PLEASE, I BEG YOU, JUST FIX MY FOB!!

I wandered out into the pitiless day. The dude was still fixing his truck. Could he fix my fob?

Exhausted, I went home. Going to the hardware store was out of the question. Just being in the auto parts store was enough of an ordeal to last me all year. I got on Amazon and tried to order a tiny screwdriver. They only sold them in large sets, with the tiny one as part of the package. Fine.

A week later the screwdriver set came as I was going to work. Finally my fob would be fixed! I went inside the library and tore open the screwdriver set and found the littlest, cutest screwdriver. With great satisfaction I unscrewed the little screw on my fob. I was a winner!

But I still couldn't get the damn fob panel off. I banged on it, pried at it. OH WHY WAS THE WORLD AGAINST ME?!?!?

Jonah came over. "Whatcha doing?"

"Fixing my fob. And failing fantastically."

"You have to take the top part of the panel off first. Here."

"Are you sure...? But this part is..."

"No. Just... Here, let me."

He got the fob panel off. Got the old battery out. Popped in the new one. Then, to demonstrate his superior masculinity, he pressed the fob buttons, and we could hear my car horn go off way out in the parking lot.

"Thanks, Jonah! You got my fob functioning!"

"Fob off."

Now--who wants a set of screwdrivers? Nearly new??