Bridge Is Afalling Down

"How do you become a sex addict?" Mom said.

"Excellent way to start this blog post, Mom, I'm glad you asked."

"I know it's a sickness."

"Well, it all starts when a man loves a woman very much..."

Mom wasn't talking about a movie executive but our good ol' buddy(?) Reggie. Yes, Reggie!!! What's wrong with everyone, have you forgotten Reggie!!! *silence of the lambs*

"Did he really get all of his teeth replaced?"

"Yes, all of them were implants. Teeth as white as his soul."

"That must have cost him a fortune."

"He was quite proud of them. He felt he was going to pick up a lot of lovely ladies with his bionic teeth. You know, like trapeze artists do."

We had jumped into this savory topic because Mom was concerned about her own teeth. Her dentist was threatening implants, namely for a front tooth that had become "wobbly." Mom was convinced all of her teeth were going to have to be pulled. It was just part of being decrepit--she'd lately got a perm which she said was an "old lady" haircut.

"Did they actually call it an 'Old Lady'?"

"No, but I know that's what old ladies like me get. But I want you to be serious for a moment, Greg. Do you think this carry-on luggage is going to be okay?"

I went over and picked it up. Not yet zipped shut, the panel fell open--and underwear and pajamas tumbled out.

"Mom, why do you already have this packed? And why are you bringing underwear on the plane?"

She explained she was concerned that the airline was going to lose her luggage. She wasn't crazy that we were flying on Air France. She had not been able to find them listed in her London travel guide. Therefore: frogs stealing her luggage.

"Oh, do they allow Excedrin on the plane?"

"Yes, they allow it, Mom."

"Are you sure??"

"Yes."

"REALLY??!"

I got on the computer machine and looked up what TSA will allow. While Molotov cocktails and ear vacuums

"Don't move, or I'll blow my wax all over my brains!"

are expressly prohibited, Excedrin is fine so long as you don't grind it into a powder and throw into the eyes of the pilot.

"Oh, I'm so nervous, Greg. I don't think I'm going to make it!"

"Don't worry, Mom. Just lie back. Just relax. There you go. Now, I'm going to blow this Excedrin powder into your face. It's an old Yoruba healing ritual..."

"Please leave."

************************

On a serious note (the first time ever on this blog), our beloved coworker, Iris, has left Ruby Creek of the Duluth Public Library. She will sorely be missed. As a gesture of profoundly dubious thanks, I painted myself into a garage sale masterpiece (they were out of the clown).

HAPPY TRAVELS, IRIS!!!

(Don't worry, Jonah, I'll mock you next week ha ha?)