What Mark Ruffalo Looks Like Now Is Insane, People are Freaking Out from This One Weird Trick

I came into work, moaning and groaning. And not in the sexy way (my usual MO).

"What's wrong with you?" Jonah said.

"I spent Labor Day laboring on my new bookcase. See what I did there?"

"No."

"Anyway, I'm an idiot, as we know. I had the same adventure with the bookcase that I did with my office chair. I squatted and grunted and swore and sweated as I snapped the dowels and busted the lug nuts and violated the macarena bolts. The main problem was how extremely heavy the boards were. This was a classy bookcase from a classy furniture store--I guess next time I should just go with the plywood model from wood shop. But first I'll need to build a time machine."

"Why are you talking?"

"Anyway, I torqued my spine and hyperextended my anus in trying to put the damn thing together. After two hours I finally got it sort of assembled kinda, after breaking all the laws of physics. If you come over, don't touch it."

"What?"

"I think it came out all right, considering."

Iris came over. "Greg, there's a problem in the community room," she said. "Water is dripping out of a pipe."

Hunched over, aching, I hobbled to the spot. I managed to look up. A big pipe from under the toilet upstairs had a very slow drip forming. I looked away. Just then poop water splashed on the top of my head.

"Argh."

I hunched back to the work room and rubbed Purell into a rich foam on my scalp.

Jonah looked at me. "Are you taking the Denorex medicated shampoo challenge?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. Thank you."

"I can feel the poop water getting out of my skull.

On one side, at least."

Just then an altercation broke out at the circulation desk. Jeff was talking to one of the clerks about how refreshed his bladder felt after peeing into his yogurt tub that morning when Aaron "Jillian Michaels" came in with his mountain bike. He wore a bandana on his head, a torn shirt, and bellowed about she-males and where were they??

"Sir, the she-male section is, er, down the street."

Jeff was irritated. All the talk about she-males was interrupting his pee talk! Aaron snapped back at him:

"YOU AREN'T MY DADDY, YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY."

I looked through the window behind the circ desk. Aaron saw me, and he waved. I had talked to him before about the bellowing and he quieted down. Little did he know how small I am on the inside.

Things were settling down when Todd came over. He lifted his leg. There were wet spots and splatters all down his pants.

"This is why you don't get your genitals pierced," he said.

I turned to Jonah. "It's your turn to change him."

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE LIBRARY