Friday, May 12, 2017

Spitting Image

"Spit, Mom. COME ON!"

Mom made a face at the test tube. "Euh. I don't like this."

"Just a few little spits. And then we'll be on our way to tracking down your birth mom. Who knows, you might be related to Debbie Reynolds. Or Swoosie Kurtz."

I had wished Sara X a happy birthday a few days before and told her I was getting Mom's DNA tested. Sara said we'll probably find out that Mom is related to Richard Nixon. I decided not to pass that on.

"I think I still have some hamburger in my teeth."

"I suppose if they get burger in your spit they can also trace the lineage of the cow you ate."

"Ugh. Okay. That's enough."

Mom handed me the tube. I held it up to the light.

"Nope. You have to get it up to the wavy line there. Come on, just a few more spits."

"I hate this! Why are you making me do this?"

"Because I'm awful."

Mom sighed over the tube. She gave me a narrow look. "I suppose you wished Sara a happy birthday?"

"Yes. That's what awful people do."

"And what did she have to say for herself? Did she tell you she's sorry for all the horrible things she did to you?"

"Yes. In fact, she wants to beg forgiveness in person. Groveling, wheedling, sobbing. That's definitely Sara."

"I saw her on Facebook. It must be because you wished her a happy birthday."

"What? No, Mom, I sent her an email through Yahoo. I don't think Facebook..."

"I saw some pictures of her. With that person she's married to. He's ugly! You are much better looking than he is."


"And pictures with those kids. She never wanted children! Oh, I just wanted to spit at her. Just spit!" Mom mimed spitting, jerking her head forward, lips pursed.

"Now you've got it! Just think of Sara and that should fire up the ol' salivary glands."

Mom scowled and spit at the tube's funnel. Pwuh, pwuh! 

"Okay, that's it. No more."

I took the tube, saw it was more or less close to the line, and then went into the kitchen with it. I had touched the funnel and got a bit of Mom's warm spittle on my thumb. (GROSS GROSS GROSS) I maniacally washed my hands. There was also a bit of cow on the funnel. I threw it out and screwed on the stabilizer.

"I think I'll write a testimonial for Having problems spitting for your test? Just think of someone you hate!"

"Before you go, Greg--and I know you can't wait to get away from me--I have the TV Guide for you. It has the Twin Peaks article in it. I know you wanted it..."

"They still have TV Guides?"

"Wait." Mom took a pair of scissors and cut out the article about Twin Peaks. "Here you go."

I took the scissored sheets with BOB and Agent Cooper in the Red Lodge. Maybe this season will feature Cooper getting the Log Lady to spit into a test tube? *Shudder*

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