Friday, May 26, 2017

A Man Walks Into A Library

A man came up to the desk.

"Sir!" he boomed at me. He was from Africa, very dark skinned, his name like D'gongo. "Can I bring bosses?"

"I'm sorry? Bosses?"

"Yes. Bosses. May I bring in bosses?"


"Bosses. On top?"

"I'm sorry. One more time. Bosses?"


"This is embarrassing. Bosses?"


"Buh..... Buh.... OHHH! Boxes??"

"Yes! Ha ha!"

"Ohhh! Boxes of potatoes!"

Then some guy covered in grease strangled us haha.


A man came up to the desk. "Where do you sell your calendars?" He looked about with a confident air. "Are the calendars here, or around the corner?"

"We don't sell calendars," I said.

"You don't??" His look: WTF

"No. We don't sell anything here. This is a library."


He walked away, stunned. Then he came back.

"Do you sell boxes?"

"Get out."


One of our regulars came up to the desk. He was President of the Duluth Origami Society. I sat up straight in my chair.

"Yes, sir? How may I help you?"

"Can I put up a poster downstairs? To promote the wonders of folding shit?"

"Sorry. No. We had to take down all the posters and get rid of the fliers. By order of the fire department."

The President stared at me in shock. He held his poster. He looked at the poster, and then at me.

"The fire department?"

"Yes. Sorry."

"Well, how about if I make the poster flame retardant?"

I chuckled. He didn't join me in merriment. He was serious.

"Well, can I?"


Maybe it was time for impeachment?


A man came over to the desk. He was grimy, had on a large, heavy backpack.

"Hey," he said. "I'm undercover, following someone. Pretend I'm checking this out."

He flipped a DVD at me.


I placed the DVD on the pad. Tore off a blank piece of paper as his receipt. He thanked me and walked out.

Ten minutes later he came back, handed me the DVD with the piece of paper. "Thanks," he said.


A man... I mean, a woman came up to me. She was the one who had asked if anyone on the staff could put her up for the night--she was starting a new job at the mall the next day. A lady of Columbian extraction, she wore bright red lipstick around and around her cray mouth and carried baskets of cake. 

"Here you go," she said, and handed me a floral gift bag filled with guest shampoos and travel size soaps. It was clearly a regift--maybe something she'd found in a hotel dumpster.

"Happy Halloween!" she shouted as she left.


Pam, our substitute librarian, came over. She was concerned. Did we know that, uh, man? S/he had walked into the children's section. Obviously transitioning, he sported hot boobs and an angora sweater draped over his hunky shoulders. His platinum hair made her look like Caitlyn Jenner's better-looking sister.

"He won't be a problem, will he?" Pam said fuddyduddily.

"Just ask him if he needs help," Todd said. "And ask what pronoun he wants to be called."

We watched her as he looked through the children's DVDs.

"Maybe he's wondering where her fishy did go?"

Later the womyn checked out Finding Nemo. I gave herm a blank piece of paper.


A man, me, walked into the back room. Something smelled hellaciously atrocious. Like garbage water from a hobo's coffin, dipped in diarrhea.

I called our facility department. "Yes, I think raw sewage is coming in through our vents," I said to the facility guy downtown. "We've had this happen before. It's this terrible smell and we, uh--"

Jonah stopped me. Made a thumb jerk. "It's coming from the break room."

Our shelver Linda was cooking broccoli in the microwave.

"Never mind," I said. "Someone is just cooking their lunch."

Take a bow, everyone!!!

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