Friday, February 24, 2017

Blue Hawaii Is The Warmest Movie

Donovan came over.

"What makes someone sit in the stall right by where I'm working and just start groaning like a bull moose?"

"I have to admit I wasn't expecting that question," I said. "We have a bull moose in the bathroom?"

"I'm on the floor, working on the sink, and this guy come right in next to me and start groaning over the toilet! There are five stalls! He can't use one of those farther down?"

"People are very strange these days."

This delightful prologue leads me to today's Movie Minute, a turd of a movie if there ever was one! But, sorry, the bull moose had to be put down. Sad face.

BLUE HAWAII is about a half-man half-ape who terrorizes the population with his ukelele.


The movie stars the Eminem of the sixties, Elvis Costello. The original smirking jackass, he pitches woo in between songs that have "Aloha" and "Sand in your crack" in them. It's a heady stew!

*sniff, sniff* "Baby, did you have the Pupu Platter?"

It turns out Elvis has a lot of charm, which is great since he's the star of the movie!

"Baby darling, I love you no matter what you pupu!
 Har, har. (Have I charmed you yet?)"

He spreads his sauce on all sorts of hapless ladies, many of whom have been given a powerful cocktail that renders them immobile and a bit pointy.

"You know what they say about men with small guitars?" *smirk* "Wait..."

Along the way he must woo his prospective loan officers, so he can get a great rate on a new home!

"The editors of YOU Magazine, folks. Let the killing commence."

Elvis and his abductee/bride try escaping into the lush Hawaiian scenery, but it turns out that Hawaii is a horrible place. NEVER leave your hotel is the message of this film!

"Jesus, make it stop!"

Eventually, Elvis briefly stops his obnoxious crooning in order to marry some of the locals. His sister wives have been revived long enough for him to give them the ol' hounddog, if you catch his meaning.

"Don't you people have a TV to shoot??"

Elvis ups the tempo on one of his songs, and the olds are appropriately horrified.

"I have the vapors!"
"Was it the Pupu, darling?"

In the end, Elvis is the star of the movie and he decides to accept his large paycheck. He's a wonderful guy. And he loves Lisa so much.

"Is that a helicopter coming to rescue me??"

Okay, that does it. I should be ready for my trip!

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