Friday, August 5, 2016

Without Rock Slides It's Just No Fun

We all know the feeling, people. You're driving a long distance and you feel that hot pinchy feeling in a special place. You think, ah, I'll make it. There's bound to be a rest stop in the next ten miles, yes? But then traffic slows. Stops. They're repaving the highway.

Oh hell.

You sit there. The pinchification gets worse. No one is moving. The car in front of you disgorges two kids who start tossing a ball. Behind you traffic stretches to infinity. Others get out and stretch. You look to the right... Well, there's that shrubbery, but what if the ball gets tossed in that direction? Would you have to pay their therapist bills for the next decades?

A water bottle lies at your feet.

Okay, you think. You can either fuck the bottle, or pee into it. You opt for the latter because you have low T.

You empty the bottle, close the door again. Then you take yourself out and admire how big you are before carefully aiming at the narrow mouth of the bottle. At first nothing comes--despite the pinchy pressure--since innocent children are playing just ten feet away and there are other distractions and what if the cars start moving again and you can't drive because you're in the middle of a luxurious piss?? You must hurry. The pee jumps out and slides down the bottle. Yes, this is going to work. The bottle fills, gets heavy. The children are busy playing, don't see what a monster you are... The bottle gets heavier. Uh-oh. The bottle starts to slip from your fingers. You don't want the whole goddamn thing to drop and spill everywhere--so you reposition your fingers ever so carefully as you continue peeing, trying to get it all out. You think wearing a diaper would have been better, make a mental note for future trips. The bottle jostles and your stream splashes. Damnit! You get pee on your hand and pee on your pants and on the floor mat. Ugh. But you get most of it. You screw the lid back on the bottle. It is heavy and golden. You have peed yourself to bliss...


Traffic finally moves again. On we go...

Welp, that's it for this week!

Oh, wait. I also went to Montrose. A place where the goats were plentiful and edible...

"You really get my goat!"
"There should be a baaa-aaan on saying that."

The ladies serenaded me from the hoopties...

"Stop hogging the Ms Microphone!!"

I got some fresh mountain air in me before gently expiring...

"You guys go on, I'm just going to saw off my arm back here..."

And saw tractors doing the Tokyo Drift...

(Three days later...)

The best part was when I decided not to wear sunscreen in the pool. Ha ha, skin cancer!

(This photo was cropped at the bottom. Sorry, ladies!)

All in all, I had a splendid time and learned about goats, tractor pulls, goats and peeing into bottles!

Thanks, Sara, Nick and, most of all, Eva!

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