Friday, July 22, 2016

Bingo Bitter, Bark Busting Bequired

Mom was shouting at her phone.

"Bark Busters! Bark Busters!!"

She looked at the screen.

"No, not Bar Coasters! BARK BUSTERS!"

"Mom... Mom! Why don't you just type the name in?"

Mom was trying to bring up the name of the dog training company on her phone so she could show me. Not that I asked.

"BARK...! No, not Barge Hustlers! BARK BUSTERS! Not in Dallas! Denver! Wait..."

Meanwhile, Bingo was hunched behind the chair, growling at me, his eyes shining malevolently in the dark.


I waved at him, and his growling only increased an octave.


Mom showed me her phone with Bark Busters of Denver at last gracing her screen. For three hundred dollars Mr Bark Buster comes over and shouts at your dog until he behaves. For five hundred Mr Bark Buster will teach your dog to cook eggs while you watch Matlock on the TV. For nine hundred Mr Bark Buster will personally bring Matlock over to your house and have him lean over and whisper to your dog!!

"Wow, that's a lot of money."


"I know. I hope... Oh, Bingo! Hush!"


"He also has this vest that he can fit on Bingo to calm and relax him. Here's the picture. It has a ribbed texture..."

"For Bingo's pleasure. And yours."

"I don't know if I can afford this. I'm so upset with myself for getting this dog. What was I thinking?..." Mom started to gently weep. "It's just another typical disaster for me."


"Don't worry about it, Mom."

"But I do! Oh, I hate to ask, but..."

"What, Mom?"

"I was thinking of asking you and Mark for a loan. But I promise I'll write you a promissory note for the loan!"

"First things first. We'll need you to write a promissory that you'll write the promissory."

"You will?"

"Mom, this is ridiculous. If you need the money..."

"But I want to write you one. I'll write you a promissory so you can get everything back! I'll get it notarized and everything."

"Okay. And what is the promissory for? If you don't pay back the loan in time, can I take you to Judge Judy? So I can hand it to the bailiff and Judge Judy can scowl over her glasses at it and then scream at you on national television?"

Mom thought for a moment.

"Yes," she said.


"See? Even Bingo hates that idea."

"Oh, he hates everything."


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