Friday, March 4, 2016

The Perils of Blogging

The phone rang. Rrrring!


"Greg? It's God."


"That's right, uh-oh. So what's this I hear you've been blogging about people on earth and they don't appreciate it overmuch?"

"You talk weird, God."

"Your new manager Janet called you into the office and had a talk with you, eh."

"Yes, well, it was mostly a misunderstanding. See, she happened to read my blog last Friday and while she said she isn't in the business of monitoring my bloggin' she couldn't help notice that the Karen character was awfully similar to [Karen]. She knew I meant my little post all in good fun, but she thought if *duck call* happened to read *klaxon* she would have her feelings hurt. Furthermore, she was afraid that everyone on staff was breathlessly reading my blog and was piling on with the fun at her expense. I assured Janet that no one reads my blog, and if they do they have a full supply of oxygen."

"It was a tense scene at first, though?"

"Good God you're good, God. That's exactly it. Basically there was a slight chill in the room--Janet implying that I best watch my smart mouth when it comes to library matters. Snitches get stitches, and so forth."

"Not just the library, either, buddy."

"Mom probably wouldn't be amused. But, hey, I'm a nice guy!"

"Are you?"

"Isn't that for you to decide?"

"Anyway, people like to read about your mom. She's fun."

"Is she?"

"What about this business with your niece, Toots?"

"Toots. Is that really the pseudonym we want to use, God?"

"Are you questioning my wisdom??"

"No, no. Toots it is. Anyway, I went to see Toots at a play, a smashing musical on Austenian themes. Mom brought a bouquet of roses and after the play she gave Toots the roses. We were all very proud of her. She did a great job up on the stage performing. There's no way I could have been so poised and funny at her age, or now. Anyway, Toots has a friend who we'll call..."


"Mm. Okay, Aster. Anyway, I had never met this Aster girl before and she was very nice. She had a bit of an alt-goth vibe about her, with her hair dyed purple and all that. But I had my own hair dyed brown back then, so who cares."

"Go on."

"You're not writing this down, are you?"

"Go on!"

"Okay, okay. So Aster gave Toots a big hug and Mom kind of looked a bit anxious about the whole thing. See, there's been some minor talk about something going on between Aster and Toots, mainly from Aster's side. It's really not important and no one's business, but Mom... you know."

"Yeah, I know." God rumbled a mighty sigh.

"So instead of us all talking about how wonderful Toots was in the play, the talk among the adults drifted to the question of girls liking each other. Really, really liking each other. We were all out in the lobby and Toots was talking with Aster and my mom just couldn't contain her anxiety any longer. She went up to them and caressed Toots with her hand passing under Toots' chin and then said, 'Promise me you two won't get gay married!'"

"Oh, God," God said.

"I'll probably get in trouble for blogging about this, too. In my defense all I can say is that my mom... Hey, God? Are you there?"

The line was dead. Was God?

Damnit, he fooled me again!

*sad holy trombone*

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