Here's your bracket. Print it out and share it with friends/victims.
To help explain what we're looking at, but not why, I called in two beefy, dim-witted ex-jocks. Have at it, fellas!
JOCKO: Seems like we have two conferences here, one called "Cherry... Creek"? I think I'm pronouncing that right? And on the other side we have the Hampden conference which, I believe, was formerly part of the Saskatoon Wales Conference?
HOMO: Right you are, Jocko! If that is your real name. Well, as you can see we have the powerhouse "DOG SPERM" going up against "FLUFFY PAPER." How do you see that matchup shaping up?
JOCKO: Not good for "FLUFFY PAPER," Homo. That was when Jeff, the annoying customer, was annoying another annoying customer by taking away the man's sandwich wrapper and said the words "fluffy paper" about fifty times--a new record, I believe. But it won't be enough to overcome the man who claimed he was covered in creamy dog sperm and had his penis sewn up inside his vagina!
HOMO: Ha ha, that's for sure! Now, on the right we have Yaroslav's bumper crop going up against Cindy shrieking when George the janitor showed her a plastic snake. I mean, do the Fightin' Shriekers have a chance?
JOCKO: I suppose if they shriek enough. Ha, ha. No. There's no chance. Yaroslav is a powerhouse. No one can stop that crazy Ukrainian cleric in my view. I mean, the guy planted watermelons in a parking lot! And then tried to sell them! To people!
HOMO: Righto. Now, lower in the bracket for Creek we have "BLEEDING ANUS" versus "TODD'S GAS." Maybe have the kids leave the room for this one, eh?
JOCKO: Indeed! There's no love lost between the Bleedin' Anuses and the Gas Attacks. But you have to give the advantage to the Anuses in this one. A customer collapsed and complained of rectal bleeding. So much blood. And from the anus!
HOMO: They're up against a man who never once took a crap in a public toilet. It's flow versus non-flow in this one!
JOCKO: Already a classic!
HOMO: Speaking of atrocities, we have on the Hampden side Tom doing his hilarious pratfall by spewing blood everywhere and nearly dying in the bathroom. Can Getting Punched As a Fetus really be much of a challenge for the Spewing Toms?
JOCKO: Well, the Feti will have to play smart to win, Homo.
HOMO: Driving smart will also come into play as Yi-Ting the shelver abruptly quit and almost ran over her manager with her car.
JOCKO: Wasn't that a charging foul? Ha, ha.
HOMO: If you're trying to drive home a point, you failed! *foghorn* But anyway, Yi-Ting's motoring goes up against Jorel filling her bathtub with water in her titanic battle with the water company. Splish splash! Who will take a bath in this one??
JOCKO: Hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu huhu hu hu hu! An old favorite will go up against the old woman who was fooled into thinking the library's PA was playing "Sweet Caroline." Two awful sounds will clash!
HOMO: Yes, the matches only get tighter the longer we talk! In a tight pairing, we have the slimy condom on the restroom door handle versus Reggie's story of fucking his girlfriend with a dildo while she ate out her friend!
JOCKO: Such a storied rivalry! And Reggie! Need we say more?
HOMO: No! In fact, please don't! So what's left? This blog post is running longer than Wilt Chamberlain's jock!
JOCKO: Well, we have Yaroslav giving Greg a medical brochure and then, after priming the pump on the syringe filled with goo, Greg learns it was meant for Yaroslav's Eastern Orthodox butt! And it goes up against that perennial powerhouse of Fred sexually harassing his female employees with sexist jokes!
HOMO: Oh, so many great matchups!
JOCKO: Let's catch the action now...!
Leave your votes in the comments, which is how NCAA basketball works, I believe.