Friday, December 4, 2015

Pardon The Non Sequitur

Mom was upset. She had watched the Broncos-Patriots game and she was none too happy.

"I'm sorry the Broncos won, Mom," I said. "I know they radiate pure evil."

"I don't care about that. Did you hear that Obsweeler? What's his name? He was yelling Omaha! He can't do that! That's Peyton's!"

"Mom, I don't think Peyton Manning copyrighted the word Omaha."

Mom shook her head. "It's wrong. That Ogsweiner should find a different word. It's very disrespectful. I just hope the Broncos give Peyton the respect he deserves for this season. They're just throwing him out in the trash after all he's done for them."

"Well, that's football..."

"And now that Brack Eegwoller is like a son who doesn't care about his old mom. You wouldn't throw me out in the trash, would you?"

"Depends. Is the trash comfy?"

"That's how the world is, I guess. Just throwing out old mothers. And Peyton Manning."

"Mm." I yawned.

Mom frowned. "I'm sorry, am I keeping you up?"

"No, I just talked to Sara Anders for four hours last night. Past midnight..."

"Oh! Four hours!" Mom scowled. "And I suppose you would never talk to ME for four hours like that!"

"Why would I talk to you on the phone for four hours? I'm sitting right here with you now."

"But you wouldn't!"



"I haven't talked to Sara in years. Besides, we used to have some... you know."


"I guess you could call it, uh, romantic tension."

Mom gave me a shocked look right out of  The Edge of  Tomorrow.


"I said tension, Mom, not anal rape."

"But isn't she married?!"

"Yes, now, but I'm talking about the days before she was married. We got together and..."


"Okay, I now regret--"

"Were you married?!"

"No! It was after. When I came back from New York. Anyway, we had a great time catching up. I might go out to Montrose to see her. Maybe I'll move out there permanently. But you'll need to die first."

Mom had abruptly stopped listening. She was now fiddling with her digital camera.

"Before you go--I know you can't wait to get away from me--I have some pictures from Mexico I want you to see. Oh! This isn't... Wait, let me push this..."

Mom pressed various random buttons. Images flashed on, minimized, scrolled past...

"Oh! I can't get it... Wait..."

"Why is your camera so complicated? Just use your phone."

It was a Nikon 39-870X with retractable zoom lense and space-shuttle compatible engine torque.

"Okay! Here's the view. In Mexico, just lovely. Do you see the water? Oh, and here's the balcony, up on the seventh floor. This is where I wanted to throw myself off."

"Yes, it sounds like a wonderful vacation. Anyhoo..."

"Where are you going? I have a hundred and sixty more pictures to show you..."

I made an audible as I ducked out.


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