Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Dooku Makes a Dookie

When the ATTACK OF THE CONEHEADS first came out, I thought, well, it's going to be bad, but, hey, it has attacks in it and coneheads, so how bad could... wait...

*checks DVD case*

Ah hell.

All right, so no coneheads. But there's attacking, right?

Well, maybe not attacking right away. First we have parliamentary procedures and the motion to recognize the chair to grant trade concessions for reduced tariff excise imports before it gets killed in committee.

But THEN the action begins!!!

Uh... right?

No, not quite yet. The story unmercifully moves to two crazy young kids and their reckless dive into hay fever. Because if there's anything Star War fans crave, it's ROMANCE.

 "...so the droid takes a shit right there! Ha ha. 
Okay, now you tell a joke."

A-and then the attacking?

Hold on. We have some rider amendments on bills to consider. Sure, the dialogue is sub-Flash Gordon, actually sub-Flesh Gordon, and it drones on for so long that Yoda needs a floating commode. (Google is working on a prototype, just in time for me!)

 "Don't walk under this thing. I'm serious."

Meanwhile, Mace Windex decides to just walk the earth, like Caine, and get into adventures. But in reality he'll just be a bum. That's what he'll be, a bum.

 "Oh, now I get it! The droid takes a shit. Ha, ha. Wait..."

The force is strong in the young padded one. He can get Obi Wan into Six Flags for a deep discount!

 "Hold on. This first hill is totes INSANNNNE!!!"

At last, the Jedi Council decides to attack the local Benihana's. 

 "Okay, one more time. Are we getting the moo-shu pork, or not??"

Yoda turns out to be the biggest hero. He escapes from the movie and just manages to get to his commode in the most inspiring scene ever. 

 "Something I ate I think it's. Push out crap I must... Ernggh."

At the end, Anakin puts on a light show that BLOWS YOUR MIND.

"And all you touch and all you see...
Is all your life will be...!"

Okay, so really really really bad. Really. But is it PHANTOM MENACE bad?? Stay tuned, my young pan-fried wontons...

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