Thursday, November 26, 2015

Return of the Turkey Get It

I've been threatening to do this to myself for some time, and I've decided now is the time for my punishment. I'm going to watch all SIX Star War movies! That's right, Star War singular because who can be bothered with those esses? Am I right, Ben Carson? (Hey, the Egyptians didn't use plural endings on their hieroglyphics, so why should we??!)

Okay, the first one I watched was RETURN OF THE JEDI, because let's face it it has the most intense action!

"Did you press 5? I didn't. Wait... Are we going up? Ha ha." 

The best acting!

"No, no, look away. No one must see me act!!"

Memorable characters!

"Hey, can anyone tell me who I am?
George, you fucker! GET BACK HERE" 

And... oh no not these goddamn things.

"Whoa. Is that Claude Levi-Strauss...?"

It was actually a challenge getting images for my review since every single one was a variation on a tumescent theme:

"Damnit, where is that wookie with my Mai Tai?"

You'd think geeks had never seen a half-naked lady before! Huh! (Hint: roll a twenty-sided die for the best boner.)

Anyway, the movie is about Luke getting reactive-emotive behavioral therapy and finding out that Dad isn't so bad after all. *Cat's in the cradle and the silver bobba fett...*

"Hm, my pee is super bright red. Better have that checked out..."

Meanwhile there are other shenanigans with puppets and marionettes, and such and such.

"I will make you an offer you can't refuse... in return for a calzone."

It turns out Luke has some friends who really aren't worth saving. Finally something our galaxies can relate to!

 "Sorry I backed up the loo, everyone!"

The main bad guy turns out to be Bill O'Reilly, in a bit of inspired casting.
"The spin stops here, my young Jedi knight."

He confers with creatures who wear crushed velvet pillows. PURE FUCKING EVIL

"Okay, everyone go long. You too, tassel boy."

Wow. That was really great. And I'm sure the movies only get better! Next up: THE ATTACK OF THE CLONES.

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