Friday, August 14, 2015

New York Shoe Diary

After attending Janice and Joe's wedding in Milford, I took a cab to Manhattan. The cost was 211 dollars. Since that blew my budget and not me, I spent the next two days eating scraps of paper and yelling at the sidewalk. That's when I found this:

MOVIE 2001

Also, Leon Panetta has been stealing my underwear.

Taking my medication, I strolled to Central Park where I snuggled with my phantom girlfriend and then made out with the horse.

Then I caught the F train to Brooklyn and saw my old stomping grounds. Here's where I used to buy my daily bagel and then stomp it.

My old building. It used to be called 666 but they changed it when Satan sued.

My old door. I used to swing it open in order to ingress my apartment. Ha ha, can you believe how we used to live back then??

Then I caught the subway back to Manhattan. Fun fact: the F train on Saturdays suddenly becomes the G train. I didn't realize this until several stops went by and I had to take a cab to get back into Manhattan. Cost: 40 dollars. Good thing I took the subway to avoid cab fare!

I went to Times Square where I tried to set up a threesome for my teenage son. Thankfully, no weirdos were taking pictures of me while I negotiated the price...

I ran over when I saw the Statue of Liberty brutalizing some cop. I was told that it was all ironic. Where I'm from we don't have irony. Just metonymy.

Finally, I collapsed in the arms of a hero. He told me everything was going to be all right. And that, no, he wasn't wearing Leon Panetta's underwear.

When I returned to Denver I finally urinated.

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