Friday, August 21, 2015

Free To Pee Cuz I'm Three

This blog is now three years old. Like my grandmother used to say: "La dee fuckety do dah." (Heavy drinker.)

So in honor of the birth of our savior, I have decided to watch SHARKNADO 3. Because science.

SHARKNADO 1 and SHARKNADO 2 were excellent, but not everything was fully explored about Ian Ziering's face or Tara Reid's weird titties.

This Sharknado follows our heros as they try very hard to look surprised when sharks get inside tornadoes and then the tornadoes look at them and then the tornadoes have babies.

"All right, who tore off my I'D RATHER BE STRIPPING bumper sticker?"

Ziering teams up with Mark Cuban in order to see if the sharknadoes have a good marketing platform and will it capture a robust demographic?

"Dude, did you blow dirt?"

The ragtag team consists of a woman who rapes fish, erotically.

"Sucker fish are the best unnnhhgghhh!"

A kindly Negro then appears to give our hero a golf club. Instead of a birdie, it's a sharkie. Work with me, people.

"Citizen Kane? Ha! This is the best movie of all time. ALL TIME."

The movie explores edgy territory when the Subway guy has shall we say relations with an underage shark. But it's why he stays thin!

"Pssst, don't tell the FBI."

Ziering holds off the sharks with lots of yellin' and shootin'. At last a candidate we can all get behind!

"DIE, DADDY, DIE!! I mean, er... die, sharks."

In the end, Ziering makes out with his grown-up fetus. Few people know that Charlie Kaufman wrote the script. Along with Will Smith!

"The secret ingredient is shark blood..."

Okay, here's to another year! And another sharknado... or grizzlycane... or marmotmiasma.... zzzzz

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