Friday, July 10, 2015

Hollywood Shittle

There's a customer who comes into the library daily. His name is Jeff and he talks. And when he gets done talking, he talks some more. If he's not talking about herbal supplements, he's talking about Chilean politics, or about his latest boweling. Lately he's been going on about his screenplay. He's planning to go to NYC soon and meet with important people about it. He has his presentation ready and even has the music picked out.

"So you finished writing it?"

Jeff looked startled. "Finished what?"

"Writing your screenplay?"

"Naw! I don't need to worry about that. Didn't you hear me? I have the music all picked out, the whole soundtrack! That's how movies in Hollywood are made these days!"

"Right, sell the soundtrack first. Then never have the movie come out. If only they'd done that with Forrest Gump."

"Hey, listen to this..." Jeff uncrumpled a piece of paper out of his dirty shirt. "You know Barry Connick Junior? The singer?"

"Harry Connick?"

"Yeah, that's him! He's friends with Levon James, you know. The basketball player? Anyway, here's a schedule of Red Rocks performances. He's coming to Red Rocks in a few weeks! Now, I have a question for you..." Jeff paused to stare at me smugly. "What do you think of him as the lead?"

"The lead... in your movie?"

"Yes! Don't you think he'd be good as Roderigo, the smuggler pilot? You know, in that great scene with the Cuban boy who's being smuggled into Chile?"


"I think he's perfect! So I just have to talk to him about the role. I need to get backstage... I know, I know! You're looking at me, wondering how I can do it. But I've been practicing my Cajun."

"Your Cajun?"

"Yes! To get in with him, you have to speak like him! Right? So I've been developing my Louisianian accent. I guawarn-teee it! Pretty good, huh?"

"I have an idea for a screenplay."

"You do?"

"Yes, it's for a new Superman movie. In the opening scene he rescues a little boy from a falling girder during some disaster. And then at the press conference, the mayor extols Superman for his heroism and such and such. Meanwhile Superman is using his X-ray vision to look at the little boy's penis. You know, through the boy's garanimals."


"Yes, see, on Krypton it's perfectly normal for adult men to be attracted to young boys. In fact, it's weird if you're NOT attracted to boys. So Superman naturally brings his culture with him. And, just as naturally, the audience is conflicted. They don't know if they're rooting for Superman when he fights against Lex Luthor, or if they want Luthor to beat the shit out of him. Especially when Superman rescues another little boy from a falling building during the fight sequence... In fact, I've done a few sketches of the key scenes. Especially Superman using his X-ray vision for his pedophilia... Hey, where'd he go?"

I was alone again. Bliss.

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