Friday, April 24, 2015

Goodbye, Kitty

It was Friday at the library and not much was going on. The pipes were keeping the raw sewage intact. And no one was complaining to the mayor about me. Yet.

I passed by Kitty. She was sitting at a computer in the workroom. In my quick glimpse I noticed she was staring at the Windows logo on her screen. And she was not eating potato chips. Or clawing at her scalp. She was just staring.

"Hm," I thought to myself. "She really needs more to do."

The next day I learned that she had quit. A one-line email message had been sent to Carol and HR, copied to her attorney.

Carol was ecstatic. She asked me when the staff might want a party to celebrate the overcoming of evil.

"Should we have it next Saturday? We can have a pizza!"

Paul came over. "We better hire someone fun," he said. "I mean, FUN. None of this cerebral palsy crap. I mean, maybe get someone who was in a punk band. Or hates plastic. A DIY locavore would be good."

"How about just a good librarian? Who doesn't shed?"

Paul shrugged. "Yeah. That too, I guess."

Carol clasped her hands. "But isn't it great she's gone? I feel so much joy!!"

"Me too. It's like I'm floating on eternal clouds of eternal bliss, with an orgasm."

As the grave dancing continued, Jeff came over. We told him what was going on, because he's practically staff now anyway.

"You mean the short little gal who shouted?"

"That's her!"

Suddenly a terrible odor filled my nostrils. Was Kitty getting her revenge? Or did another pipe explode in the basement...?"

"Smells like a skunk was raped by a hobo," I said, sniffing. "Do you smell it?"

Jeff grinned broadly. "Yeah. What is that smell?"

Later in the day, he came over to me confidentially. "That was me."


"You know how I eat a lot of garlic every day? Well, that's one of the side effects."

"Your gas cloud almost made us shut down the library."

"Yeah!" Jeff laughed. "Most of the time, I don't have a problem. I once dated this woman and when we were in bed her concha, you know what I mean? It smelled so bad I couldn't get near it! Seriously."

"That's great."

He went off laughing. Then he circled back.

"Hey, don't tell anyone about my little... you know. Okay?"

"Sure," I told him. "I won't tell a soul..." ABOUT JEFF'S TIME-SHATTERING CORPSE-WAKING SHIT CLOUD.

"Thanks, buddy!"

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