In Spite Of My Nic Cage, I'm Just A Rat In A Blog

In today's Movie Minute we have RAGE, where we need know only one thing...

Cage!

Cage!!!

CAGE!!!!!

CAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait, never mind. It's just gas.

Anyway, Cage plays an angry man who must avenge the death of Laura Palmer. Yeah, I'm just as confused/high as you are.

"Someone please tell Andrew Dice Clay

 to stop kissing the corpses. And to get us a soda."

Surly-lipped, pouty-lipped, mealy-mouthed, mush-marble-mouthed, mumbly-pegged Nic Cage gets himself mixed up with the Russian mob in his crusade for justice. He helps them work out their personal problems by supplying his body as a punching bag.

"Keep it below the equator, boys!"

Along the way he runs into OJ, who wants to team up to find the "real" killer.

"Can you loan me twenty bucks? I'll suck you." 

I passed out halfway through this turd souffle, but I believe the bad guys tried to kill Cage with bees. Or with birds. Or the bees tried to have sex with the birds who had baby bees and the baby bees looked at me.

"No, not another Nic Cage movie. No! NOOOOO!!"

I'm still waiting for that cyborg from the future to have Cage eliminated. In the meanwhile, federal law mandates I keep watching. Stupid Obamacare.