Tuesday, December 2, 2014


In today's Movie Minute, we have Bible study and it's about goddamn time.

"Grab an inner tube, everyone....!"

Russell "Don't Make Me Kill You" Crowe plays Noah, a fun-loving patriarch who sucks up to God and builds the ultimate water thrill ride (or so is my understanding; I flunked out of Bible School. And then Barber College). 

"Ahhh, here's the hot rain to wash my Biblical pain away...."

First, Noah must take his family on a road trip because they just won't shut up about how boorrred they are at home, reading the Bible and all.

"See down there? That's where God wants you to die."

Along the way they meet a kindly wizard named Metamucil, who begs to stop living. Ha ha, little does he know he'll soon be drowned with the rest of humanity!

"Tell me again about the fava beans and chianti, great-great-great-great Grandpa!"

There's also some backstory about angels of the Lord falling from the heavens and getting encrusted with mud. When battle breaks out, they let Noah eat for free at their Italian restaurant. Crowe understandably looks very confused at this in-joke.

"Let's all do the Time Warp Zechariah dance!!"

Noah then builds a really big boat and has a couples-only swingers party for his animal friends, which was the style at the time.

"There better be more than two mice on this boat goddamnit."

A desperate band of Caananites tries to hop on Noah's ark, and Noah is forced to get all old testament on their asses. He sodom and gomorrahs them. Amen.

 "Please open your hymnals to Psalms 107 chapter 8! DO IT!!"

Noah hits the open sea on his offshore oil platform, only to be disappointed that John Tesh isn't available for the nightly entertainment.

"It's your turn to clean up the wildebeest shit, Ham."

In the end, Noah finds ***SPOILER ALERT*** dry land and then gets super drunk and rants about immigrants and Obamacare. Thus ends today's Bible lesson. Forever.

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