Tuesday, November 11, 2014

What Dreams May Cum

In today's Movie Minute, we learn about what awaits us in the afterlife. It turns out you'll meet your dog, a lot of CGI, and, now, Robin Williams. But where are the barely legal teens? I call BULLSHIT.

Williams plays a sensitive fellow who loses his two sons in a car accident, and then he gets killed in another car accident. Then his wife kills herself. But don't worry, folks--heaven is AWESOME.

 "The molly is finally kicking in!"

We also get the news that heaven is whatever you make it. Williams misses his artist wife, so he lives inside one of her kitschy Kinkade paintings and ballroom dances with her forever. 

 "I just love The Olive Garden. Do you want more breadsticks?"

Wait, did I say heaven. I meant HELL THE VERY TORMENTS OF ENDLESS HELL.

There's also an angel who helpfully explains the rules and regulations of heaven. Now I get it: Robin Williams + Cuba Gooding Jr. = PURE HEAVEN

"Whoa. Unreality: what a concept!"

Gooding helps Williams to reconcile with his sensitively dead son. Man, is this funny!

"My son is gay. But I'm okay with it because
God will punish him as He should."

The Lord God also isn't keen on suicides. Williams learns that his sweetie has been consigned to eternal fiery torment ha ha. He takes a paddle boat to find her.

"Wow, lookit all the dead people! If only I could find
out how much they owe!"

In the end, Williams walks over the heads of other suicides buried up to their necks in excrement so he can get to his wife. There's nothing at all offensive in the idea of a loving God treating his creation this way.

 "They threw dirt in my hair. DIRT!"

No, there's only one truly offensive thing God has done...

"Hi! I'm Radio! What's your name!"

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