Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The Chubb Group

C.H.U.D. is R.E.A.L.L.Y.D.U.M.B. But, hey, they released it on Criterion so I felt I HAD to watch it. W.A.T.C.H. I.T.

In a world... filled with pay phones, graffiti, and Coy Hippie Ugly Danielsterns, two lovers take the most dangerous chance of all: acting!

"We're hugging! Now when the rubber monsters
show up, people will care."

The female lead uses a magnifying glass to detect crime. Also, it's best not to wear pants, as Jessica Fletcher teaches us so ably.

"Who the hell is Jessica Fletcher?"

In the sewers under New York City are crusty horrendous ugly deviants. That's right: the homeless!

"Yuck! Is that hobo wearing last year's Hugo Boss Armanis?"

There is a contagious hellish unsafe disgusting THING living under our streets. But we won't panic or get hysterical about it. We'll just quarantine all of West Africa. Echh, make it all of Africa. Actually, anything south of the equator. Oh, and Mexico too. NOW we're safe!

 Who you gonna call?
CHUD Busters!

The FBI sends in the Preppies. Their clean haircuts and smug sunglasses will save the day from the likes of scruffmeisters like Daniel Stern, who just want to use the pay phone that has BASTARDS graffito'ed on it. (Ah, nostalgia!)

"Look, do you want to join Sigma Delta or not??"

Then the CHUDs show up. (I've been waiting my whole life to write that sentence.)

"Wait, Lou Rawls...?!"

The CHUDs spray red paint on everyone so they can install them in their avant-garde art galleries in SoHo. That's New York for ya! 

 This one is called Bad Period, Study in Red

In the end, the police are summoned and John Goodman eats the CHUDs in his most heartwarming scene since he ate that Beethoven dog.

 "Hey, who ordered the C.L.T.?"

This movie gave me a chuddy.

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