Friday, September 19, 2014

Libraries........ Do They Exist?

Driving to work the other morning I was listening to the local chuckleheads talking about the Rockies and whatnot (is there anything more whatnotty than the Rockies?) when Vic Lombardi, sage that he is, expressed astonishment that libraries existed. Not that anyone used them. But whether they were actually a real thing, like unicorns or goodness.

"Who even goes to the library anymore?" nasalized Lombardi.

I do, I thought in my profound interior monologue with a tear coursing down my beard. I do. Because I get paid.

"I mean, do they even exist?" he went on. "I didn't know they were even around hyuck hyuck *duck call* *fart noise*"

But his jocktastic sentiments gave me the pause that did not refresh. It's one thing for people to know that silly places exist called "liberry" where there are a bunch of dusty old hags and musty old books that shh at you when you try to fornicate in the restroom stalls. But it's quite another to believe that they DON'T EXIST.

Recently there was a Yahoo Jobs article about the top five jobs that were disappearing, and--next to The McRibs Mascot--librarian was one. If there's a widespread perception that The Google and internet pornography have replaced libraries, then it's no wonder that kids are checking "Astronaut" or "Lunch Lady" over "Librarian" on their career questionnaires. (Do they still do that? Do questionnaires even exist anymore? *whiny Vic Lombardi voice*)

It seems we need to turn this around before the perception becomes the reality and I'm eating a bridge out of an Alpo can (while Dad laughs and laughs at me). Lately we've had very few DVDs available for check-out because of our new circ policy and cuts in the material budget. What will happen when people can no longer walk into their local branch library and in a loud confident voice ask for Manimal Season 5 or CHUD II--Chud the Bud?!?!

I propose that we start doing subtle advertising the way Mad Men puts Mad Magazine in the hands of Don Draper or E.T. eats Reese's Pieces through his ovipositor. (Okay, I'm high.) I propose that in every school building and rec center and marijuana bakery all the across the country we put in arcade games to get the kids to LOVE LEARNIN' again.

Navigate through a maze of books! But don't get shhh'ed!!

And the money made from it can be used to fund libraries. Everyone wins!

Thanks to Vic Lombardi, King of the Doucherati!

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