Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Douche Wish

Today's Movie Minute is about a tough guy cleaning up the scum of the scummy city. Does he wear a cool costume?

NO. But does he have a lot of toys?

"Wait, this isn't the anal thermometer...."

NO. Because a gun is not a toy. It's a phallic extension. And what a phallic extension!!

Does he have a cool, dry wit, or do anything remotely entertaining?

NO. Wait, does city planning count?

Okay, so our hero is not lubriciously ensheathed in spandex or wearing nipple falsies, but what about the super villains? Do they have cool powers?

Uh.... does a trio of jive turkeys count? Jeff Goldblum in a Jughead hat? How about the kids from Fame....?

Okay, so things are gritty and urban and dull. But that's not so bad because Goldblum grabs his charlie browns and forces yuppies to reevaluate their meaningless lives.

"A bit of ultraviolence, guv'nor?"

Charles Bronson decides to do something about these punk kids. He learns gun safety, and most importantly why you shouldn't hurty your wittle ears while firing.

"Just exhale, breathe, squeeze the trigger...
Mmmm. I'll be right behind you the whole time, sweetie."

In the end, Bronson uses his finger to shoot down the bad guys. So it turns out he has special powers after all! The main one, and best one, being getting the credits rolling.

(I'm running out of crappy films, people! If you want me to review the new C.H.U.D.N.A.D.O let me know!)

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