Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Guardians of the Galaxy Revolt

In today's special summer ending special Movie Minute special (dear God make the summer end), here's another turd blossom: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!

The movie is about how the revolting galaxy needs help, and it gets it the only way it knows how--from a white man!

"See, Kirk? NO GIRDLE"

That's right: the whole galaxy has now become the white man's burden. And what a tedious burden it has become. To appear diverse, the white man brings along some of his multi-planetary brothers and sisters so he won't get fined by OSHA.

Hugh Hefner's greatest fantasy. (Or Larry Flynt's? G G Allin's...?)

One of his buddies is Rocky Raccoon, who slays his enemies with gently acerbic folk rock ballads. 

 "All right, everyone. Back away slowly from the dumpster.
 SLOWLY... Or I'll shoot you with these Gideon Bibles!!"

The movie is your usual summertime lemonade with a pinch of trite, but at least I got a boner. I mean, is he a hunk or what?!?

 She-Hulk love Afternoon Delight...

Bobba Fett shows up to claim a bounty on the ripped-off plots and characters. 

 "I'm afraid I blue myself, and now I
have something of a mess on my hands..."

And in case the movie hasn't stolen enough, they bring in the giving tree from Shel Silverstein to kick some grass.

 "Don't worry, folks. My bark is worse than my photosynthesis..."

In the end, the movie needs to put billions of people at risk in order to make us care. This painfully typical gambit betrays the writers' floppiest of flop sweat about how thin and ultimately flavorless are the lead characters--so, uh, let's throw in a few billion at risk to make this all seem "significant." (Hmm, this is almost turning into an actual review. Okay: back to the "jokes.") Hey, look at Glenn Close! Her hair is so queer!

"I will NOT be ignored. Oh, wait, I will be.
It's a boy's comic movie.... *sigh* Never mind."

Oh well, at least now I won't have to read the comic book?

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