Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Escape From Tomerde

Today's Movie Minute is about Disneyland, and how great it is.

A six-year-old brat is promised a trip to Disneyland. Then he gets to go. He has a so-so time. Huh! I guess I need to reevaluate my entire life. I mean, the boy does...

 "Little known fact: Buckminster Fuller created the world's largest marital aid."

Appropriately, everything is in black-and-white, because why dazzle the eye when you can bore the senses?

"All right, kids, I want you to stay where I can't see you."

Soon the little boy becomes really creepy. Hearing a teenager huff inside a Pluto suit will do that to you. (No, really, it will.)

 "Never mix optometry and molly."--Walt Disney

Dad rides on a lot of rides and starts to feel his esophagus pinball off his scrotum. Whee!

"No talking, honey. Daddy's dying."

Dad then finds himself having impure thoughts. He starts following two French girls around everywhere, thinking this is the very best ride of all. The Sexual Frustration Ride.

"You must be this flaccid to ride."

To help him maintain focus on his responsibilities as a father, Dad puts a Buckyball on his head and hums the Battlestar Galactica theme song over and over. This makes no sense to anyone. But who said Disneyland had to make sense? Or that your father had to love you? Or that the cat's in the... cradle... little boy... blue.... spoon..... *breaks down sobbing*

"This ass-seeing-denying ride is really weird. But at least I got the VIP pass!"

In the end, Dad has his soul crushed and he's ready for many more decades at his cubicle job. You've done it again, Walt!

 "Don't eat the food at Pirate's Bowel, kids. Seriously...."

I'd say this movie was about as fun as watching someone's home movie, but without the suspense and excitement. But at least there was a big creepy mouse wearing a bow tie! So, there it is. Disneyland. LET THE HEALING BEGIN

"Hyucka! Who wants their dreams crushed?!?"

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