Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Planet of the Ape

Today's Movie Minute will throw poop at the creamy middle of the Kong movies, KING KONG '77!

Jessica Lange plays a Charlie's Angel wannabe who has a serious, serious case of jungle fever. It's all wildly post-colonial and rather pre-entertaining.

"You want me to do the what in the where now?"

Lange joins up with a ragtag team of Hollywood actors who go to some island that has oil in it and plot complications. The post-colonial theme is admittedly getting a bit abstract.

"Huh! That big black cloud on that mountain over
 there looks like a giant ape. Could it...? NAW."

Lange falls head over chimp in love with The Dude, who abides in her vaginal canal until a giant ape hand taps him on the shoulder (dear God I wish that had been a scene in the movie...).

"Promise me you'll never mix races, or species, ever again."

Charles Grodin plays an oil executive who... wait for it... loves profit above all else. Ironically, he doesn't find oil but a giant creature that looks rather oily.

"Mmm. It would be so nice if I weren't here."

The story makes no sense. They bring the ape back to civilization and we all learn about the Rousseaian dynamic of the noble savage, albeit in a neo-Lacanian context. Also, apeshit.

 Here comes the Shaq Attack!!!

Kong wins a prize at the circus and won't shut up about it. So they have to kill him.

"No, I won't put pants on!"

In the end, Kong tries to escape his business manager and falls off the World Trade Center (too soon) and we feel poignant and shit. 

"Just squeeze lighter fluid on him and we can 
have Ape Flambe for dinner tonight. And every night!"

The movie has lived on in psychological studies, however. Here's a picture of a giant black creature wrestling around with a very large snake. HR departments around the country are using this to determine if you can work a flexible schedule!

"I won't work weekends or nights damn you!!"

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