Tom Cruise plays Mr. Roboto, a white man who teaches the way of the samurai to the samurai. Thank God for the white man, amirite?!
"It's so hard keeping a 'straight' face when they keep saying 'prease' and 'so rong'!"
Using Lacanian Neo-Hegelian dialectics, Cruise learns to stop using the gun (penis) and start using the sword (penis). Now that I think about it, there's a lot of dicking around in this movie.
"Uhgghh! Who wants to get chopped by my mighty blade of sausage?!"
Somewhere along the way he takes the most dangerous chance of all and pretends to fall in love with a human female. Lol, Tom. LOL.
Here he is with his beard.
Cruise leads his kung-fu buddies into a raid on the grave of Akira Kurosawa. They desecrate the corpse and then congratulate themselves for their bravery. Everyone wins.
"DIE AKIRA YOU MASTERPIECE-MAKIN' SONOFABITCH HYEEEEGGHH!!!"
They throw a parade for themselves, because who doesn't love a Japanese parade?!
"Thank you. Thank you. You've been great. We'll be here all shogun."
The movie is as ponderous as Wyatt Earp. Or is it pai gow?
Paintball has gone too far.
In the end, the director was taken out and executed by firing squad. They used four-hundred riflemen to make sure the job was done right.
"Next we find Michael Bay..."
Remember: Tom Cruise loves to be made fun of. If you run into him, let him know about this blog!
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