Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Days Of Future Pluperfect Present--It's Gonna Get Tense

In X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST, we are treated to a movie that has it all: time travel, Richard Nixon, blue breasts, boredom, and Hugh Jackass! Apparently we lost a war, and it was in the future past.

These are your X-Men. Which means they are now... women?

But instead of poignantly battling chromosomes as their name implies, these X-Men are battling evil robots, or something. Therefore they must send a gluteal Wolverine to the year 1973 in order to, uh, stop them. Ben Vereen, however, is still running amok, singing and dancing. So the what the hell is the point of time travel, I ask you??

 Wouldn't it be easier to make new X-Men by just ripping their balls off?

We learn that we enjoyed things in the past like iced... cream. And lava... lamps. And subpoenaed... tapes.

 "My God, is that how my jowls look on the Magnavox?"

Turns out that the Wolfman must stop some blue lady from killing a dwarf, because then the robots will win. (Look, I type the sentences. It doesn't mean I understand them.)

 "I dwarf everyone else's talent here. And, no, I never get tired of that joke."

Some of the X-Men are really cool. One of them can eat a hoagie at twice the speed of taste.

"Needs more cilantro. And hip meat."

The blue lady desperately wants to get back to her home planet of Na'vi. But her mutant ability to cause blue balls will not let her. (Actually, that's more of a human ability.)

 "I talk a lot. And I have no vagina. I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE."

In the end, the dwarf finishes making his mighty power ranger transformer turtles, and they start attacking stuff because that's what we were doing in the seventies. Killing hippies with robots. It was a magical time. 

"Trust me, everybody will be kung-fu fighting very soon, ladies and
gentlemen. And their feet will be fast as lightning. Listen to me, damnit...!"

I think the movie missed out on showcasing other mutant abilities. Fabulous powers like:
  • Really fast bed making
  • Satisfying solo sex
  • Avoiding dull-ass action movies before you have to sit through them
  • Ability to kill anyone you want whenever you want (my favorite)
  • Holding in pee for really long time
  • Ability to care
  • Making your children think you love them
  • Tax evasion
  • Pie discounts
  • Untangling Christmas tree lights ha ha amirite?
I actually think I enjoyed the movie of this guy eating his own hip more.

The Ultimate Hipster

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