Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Viva Crock Vegas

Proconsul Africanus is the smallest species of the genus Proconsul, the best known of early Miocene ape-like primates, living 17 to 20 million years ago in the Rift Valley of East Africa.

Proconsul is the first hominoid because it shares a few features with living apes and humans. Namely, this one.

"Bananas are God's way of feeding us! Guuuuuh!"

Which leads us to the discovery of fire and then, by a sinister circuitous causality, to VIVA ROCK VEGAS.

Miocene man meets obscene manque in this hijinky romp that will rob your family of the will to live. So.... partial credit.

"Meet the Flintstones! You'll be quarry!"

But a quartet of stoners is not enough. Nor funny. So what better way to force hydraulic chemicals into fractured rock than by bringing in an illegal alien? (Sorry for the political rant.)

"I'm what happens when the Wicked Witch has sex with Tim Curry!"

Gazoo wants Fred Flintstone to get laid, counter to the deepest wishes of the audience. Thankfully, Flintstone also hates the idea. He prefers stripper mine girls.

"Get lost, or I'll pumice your face in."

In an effort to impress the ladies, Fred and Barney go to Rock Vegas and lose all their money in a shale game.

"Always bet on coal!"

Along the way they meet Mick Jagged and the Rolling Stones. But this joke makes no sense as there's simply no evidence that paleolithic man was playing music, or that they had electricity for their instruments, or had the pharygeal capacity for sustained vocalized harmony. I mean, COME ON

"You'd make a dead man coommme..." *stony silence*

They also meet the local "canny"--a cavewoman tranny.

"They cut it off with a sharp flint!"

Meanwhile, the Johnny Hart Christian insists on reenacting Michelangelo's Adam scene. And yet he's dressed as Eve! Jackass.

"Don't cry for me, Argentina! Yawwwp!"

In the end, the viewer gets a huge facial--and not just from a brontosaurus.

"I told him not in the hair..."

This movie got me rock soft.

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