Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Crappening

In today's Movie Minute, M. Night Shamalyanabingbong asks the question: "What's happening?" Turns out it's a bunch of plants trying to kill people. Didn't expect that one, did you? DID YOU

Spooky things start to "happen" in Central Park as folk stop in mid-stride, overwhelmed by the idea of Mark Wahlberg and his general pointlessness. Let's face it, that would stop just about anybody in their tracks. I defy you to try it: take a pleasant saunter in the park today and then ponder this

and try NOT to freeze up with abject wonderpain.

"Funky bunch.... WHY???"

But that's not all. Other things "happen," like dummies getting flung from buildings as a protest against Wahlberg's existence/acting.

"First on our list of demands: take away the SAG card. Second...."

Wahlberg plays a high school science teacher. He wears a sweater vest and furrows a lot. ACTING. It just so happens he's the world's best chance to stop the salads from rising up.

"A really nice Roquefort is a good way to combat an unruly romaine. Trust me. I know science stuff."

Thinking that it's all happening because of Al-Qaeda and not iceberg, the residents of NYC flee--only to find Wahlberg waiting for them. There's no winning. 

"How about I sing the angry salad a twee song, honey?"

By the end, we learn that shit happens--namely, really shitty screenplays starring Mark Wahlberg.

"Man, I wish I hadn't sold my prosthetic from Boogie Nights on Ebay...."

So what's the big twist, you ask? Turns out it was Rerun all along!


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