Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Re-Cycle Re-Tarded

Hey, who likes weird Chinese horror films pretending to be profound while pushing a pro-life message?

*chinese crickets*

Our story begins with a superhot Chinese lady who is a famous writer. This makes sense because young women who are beautiful often reject a career in modeling or acting to sit around and type fucking garbage.

"Damnit, what's Chinese for comma?"

Our writer, being a writer, struggles with her writing--but, worse, struggles to keep her hair out of her eyes. She fails on both counts.

"I CAN'T SEE! I'M BLIND!! DEAR GOD THE HORROR.... Oh wait, here's a comb."

She realizes that she's creating her own reality, which is frightening since she's a terrible writer.

"Why can't I write about puppies made of chocolate?"

Along the way she meets a creepy kid who, strangely, also speaks Chinese.

"Kids grow up so fast these days. And so ugly."

Our heroine tries to keep the kid amused by going to Lakeside. 

"Is Elitch's broken, Mommy?"

Along the way they get attacked by aborted fetuses, which are supposed to reflect the writer's conflicted guilt feelings about having had an abortion years ago. The viewer's feelings are less conflicted: THIS SUCKS.

"This is the last time I write after eating at Cracker Barrel!!"

In the end, the writer learns that there's more to bad writing than just failing to brush the hair from your beautiful, vapid face. Oh, and choose life.

"What's Chinese for ICP?!?"

No comments:

Post a Comment