Friday, April 18, 2014

Consumerism Versus Marxism

My name is Gret. And I am a lousy speller. And an even worse shopper. Yes, it's true. And, because of my disability, I am a lousy American. Allow me to elaborate, in blog form.

A few years ago I went out with my doctor buddy

to get a new car. Dad

had already dissuaded me from getting a new one because do I really deserve good things in my life? NO. So off I went to look for the crappiest used car a neglected child with self-esteem issues and seven large could buy. Going in I tried very hard to fight my instinct just to get the first thing I saw. The sad truth of getting old is that one's personality is pretty much set no matter how much rough-hewing is hewn. I was a lousy shopper at 21, and I'll be one at 91. Sure, I tried to seem like an informed consumer, one who's done his homework, one who's ready to haggle TO THE MAX. By God, no one was going to make a sucker of me! But I was getting tired. I mean, we had been looking at cars for THIRTY MINUTES. My God, would the pain ever end? So finally I got an Oldsmobile, it felt like a sweeet ride, and next thing I knew I was signing papers like a mofo. What could go wrong?

Two days later the transmission exploded. Then the dual carburetors melted. And the rear axle got rear cancer. I wound up spending a few thousands to get everything fixed, had my manhood questioned, and I still have to pour antifreeze into the engine thingy. Oh well. At least I'm learning a shit-ton about cars. (The engine thingy makes the car go vroom.)

So, lesson learned? NAW. I recently wandered into Best Buy and looked around for a new computer. Hmmm. 2 terabytes. Fuck. Is that like a pterodactyl? How much overclocking do I need? What the hell is overclocking??... The salesperson came over. I furrowed my brow, asked no questions about overclocking so not to appear foolish, and then said, Ehn, I'll take that one. This one, sir? Sure. Yeah. At home with my shiny new computer thingy, I started to dowload various softwares because why think about stuff when you can just click ACCEPT?? WHEEEE!!

Then everything crashed. Really crashed.

"Oh, the hard drive...!"

Nothing worked. Files destroyed. Smoke curling from the case. A hacking cough. Loss of appetite. So now it was time to get reacquainted with an old friend called India. The lady tech support had a bit of an accent.

"Press the duluht key, sir."

"Sorry? Duh...?"

"Duluht key!"

"I'm sorry. You want me to dilute my file? With water?"

"DULUHT. Can you hear me, please, sir?"



"Oh! Delete." Jesus Krishna...

Six hours later, after resetting my computer completely, and re-transferring all my old files, I got everything back to working order so now I can buy some crotchless panties on

Maybe Marxism is the way to go?

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