Tuesday, April 1, 2014


Has a movie ever started more propitiously than the screen credit: BASED ON THE SONG BY C.W. MCCALL?

No, and that's because no movie has started with the screen credit: BASED ON THE SONG DISCO DUCK BY RICK DEES.

In CONVOY, Kris Kristofferson stars as a hunky rebel armed with nothing but abs and a CB radio.

 "CB radios will be popular forever! Over."

He picks up a young-ish negro woman played by Ali McGraw.

 "Being a terrible actress means never having to say sorry, convincingly."

Together they put down the hammer and smoke the bogey with the bear ears, copy that, red rover.

 "Wait, should I tip the cabbie?"

Fomenting rebellion--because, you know, the nation looks to its truckers for political guidance--Kristofferson runs into a diarrhea-stained Ernest Borgnine.

 "Breaker, breaker, havin' a big BM, copy? Over."

We learn that the seventies basically smelled like Borgnine's armpits laced with some shitty Eagles song in the background. Thank God I was stoned for most of it.

 "Whatsa matter you! You no like a my pizza pie? Over."

Also, ethnic stereotypes were very funny. And the cops harassed the black man. We've come a long way, indeed. 10-4.

 "You're under arrest for being a negro. Over."

By the end, the audience is cheering as Kristofferson clogs the nation's highways with meth-addled hillbillies and obese lumberjacks. This proves that SOMETHING HAS GOT TO CHANGE IN WASHINGTON, PEOPLE. I mean, what's up with those fat-cats in congress? How do I keep up with the news like this?

"What's your bogie, BJ? Got a bear boner in my butt. Now my butt is big."

This was only the beginning for Kristofferson, as he went on the road with the Eagles and single-handedly created malaise. And Ali McGraw? She won so many Oscars. So, so many.

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