Friday, April 4, 2014

7 Signs You're Getting A Divorce

Every relationship has its own special dynamic, but experts say these signals suggest that you or your partner have stopped dealing with stuff that you probably need to address.

"My husband stopped going places with me--family functions, work events, the pet cemetery." -- Meredith T., Philadelphia

"If your spouse skips out when you want him to button the little silk vest on your dead Corgie, it's easy to feel like he doesn't care about your needs or interests," says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author of I Do Not: Don't Do What Hubbie Don't Does Not Do Does. "Don't get me wrong: he does. Got it?"

"Whenever I walked in the door, my husband greeted me by yelling--about the phone bill, about my hairy bush, anything and everything!" -- Judy L., Pittsburgh

Fighting does not mean you're heading for Splitsville. In fact, the first rule of marriage is not mentioning you're married. If you do, Brad Pitt shows up and things get really weird.

"She invited my in-laws on every swinging vacation instead of having us spend time with strangers." -- Nate S., Charlotte, NC

In some big families, a the-more-the-merrier mentality is par for the course, but with larger orgies you need to consider how many condoms to buy and all that damn lube that's squirting around. I mean, that's a LOT of lube for Uncle Joey's funhole.

"He always spent money on things without telling me--on tools, electronics, his mistress and their family, etc. The tipping point was when he bought his mom and didn't understand why I felt weird to see her in a maid's outfit hanging around our kitchenette all day." -- Sonya S., Palo Alto, CA

Fighting about money? Why not fight about whether flubber could be a real thing? I mean, come on, a substance that gets you high as shit and you start having sex with people in outer space?? Don't get me wrong. I'd buy a gross of that in a heartbeat and sell it on the street at a nice markup, which makes you wonder why they don't do that in the movie... uh.... What were we arguing about again?

"I started confiding in friends and my drug dealer about our relationship issues instead of talking about them directly with my husband." -- Tracie T., San Francisco

Though it's totally reasonable to want to unload on close friends or junkies, doing so can backfire, big time. What happens when your uncut Bolivian molly gets stashed in that Mercedes SUV and your captain gets set on fire to send a message to a rival gang? The ush.

"Whenever I gave her a suggestion--about a problem she was having at work, about a homeless person we should rob---she would get defensive or brush it off. But when someone else offered the same heist idea, she thought they were so smart and helpful." -- Paul G. Chicago

The issue here is respect. "Blood cement" is something the SS used to gain compliance in their death camps. Why not try something like that at your next fondue party?

"We started going to bed at different times to avoid having sex." -- Tracy T., New York City

To get that sexy bond back, start by changing your mind-set. "Shift the focus from How many fingers can I get up there? to What does the relationship need?" Dr. Haltzman says. Then, instead of thinking of it as giving sex, look at it as getting sex. "That will help you feel turned on by the prospect of all that blood everywhere, rather than having it feel like another chore."

Yeah, maybe we should all just give up.

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