Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Her Lovelace

Today's Movie Minute will review two movies at once because aren't we all busy people? Both movies deal with sex--one from the hairy, sweaty seventies and the other from a future time when high-fastening pants are all the rage. WHO WILL WIN

LOVELACE is, regrettably, not a movie about a woman who loves lace. Instead it's about a woman who loves face fucking. So to speak.

"Best bowel movement ever!"

Meanwhile HER is about a guy who falls in love with the internet's version of a blow-up doll. He talks to her on his earpiece and feels wistful about the turn men's fashion has taken.

"Say All Your Base Are Belong To Us again. It gets me sooo hot!"

Linda Lovelace had sex with dogs. This fact is conveniently omitted from her weepy Lifetime movie about men being gross pigs. (True, sometimes it's hard to know whether to have sex with a dog or a pig. Or doggie style with a pig.)

"You want me to do what with your what?"

Her boyfriend is a charming scumbag who forces her to choke down his love. So to speak.

"That better be the stick shift poking into me. So to speak."

Linda learns that fame can be a bitter pill to swallow. It's especially bad when you have to meet James Franco vamping as Hugh Hefner and slurring about spring break y'all.

"I've got Sammy Davis Junior's cock ring back at my mansion, along with his skull."

But let's check in with our sexy man from the future.

"I wuv you too! LOL"

Hmm. Okay. Meanwhile, back in the seventies where things are REAL, a bunch of creepy men pull the ol' gag-on-my-weiner gag. Having no gag reflex, Lovelace doesn't get it.

"HAAAAAAH, lookit that broad, will ya?"

While in HER the plot really heats up as the protagonist continues talking to his GPS. But is it love?


In the end, Lovelace gets out of the pornography racket and into the inspirational memoir racket. Which is worse? The movie deftly explores the divide between clever and stupid.

 "It's true. I once derailed a train, with my penis."

So we learn that things are really gross in the seventies, what with all the sweaty cock meat and hairy balls, while the future is pristine and clean and mustachioed in a dorky way.

"Wait while I refresh the page. So to speak."

So who wins? It depends on your tolerance for time travel, I suppose. 

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