Wednesday, March 5, 2014


Today's Movie Minute serves up filet o' tripe, also known as JAWS 3.

"Have I jumped myself yet??"

JAWS 3 takes place at the C World. But since I think we can all agree how offensive that term is, let's call it Vagina World instead. So like a true pussy, Dennis Quaid has a girlfriend who's got a kinky fetish for being shark bait. Call it Fifty Shades of Great White Shark. (Don't.)

 "Eat your goddamn Froot Loops. Don't make me tell you again."

The first half of the film develops the characters and ably demonstrates why most action films don't bother--because it's just so fucking bad. Lea Thompson wears a cowboy hat. I guess we care now if she gets chewed up by a fish.

 "From sharks to ducks. I'm every species' fantasy girl!"

But let's not forget the film is in three dimensions! And the characters are in one! I know, I was dizzy, too! Here's a severed hand floating at you.

Let's give the special effects folks a big hand. And then club them with it.

The shark is really hungry. Because, let's face it, there just isn't enough to eat in the ocean these days with Red Lobster and all.

 "Who ordered the bad actor on rye?"

But these sharks are so boring. They don't even have the decency to form a tornado. I mean, COME ON. Instead we get a lot of placid swimming about, which turns out to be muchly preferable to spending any time with the humans.

"Eat, eat, eat. Scream, scream, scream. There has to be more..."

The big shark infiltrates the Vagina World's funtime slide tubes. Thankfully, Lou Gosset Jr. is here to whup some shark ass. Oh, wait. That's for the honky Dennis Quaid. Never mind.

 "I'm black, so I'll be in the control room watching the action from here."

Nothing is more delicious to a shark than tourists in a tube. It breaks the glass trying to eat them, and comical panic ensues.

"Don't worry, honey, the black man is far away in the control room!"

In the end, they get a bigger boat, etc etc, yawn yawn, scream scream. Sure, many humans die, but by God at least the dolphins are a-okay!

"We have sexual fantasies about Urkel!"

Now if we can just mix in some apes with these sharks and whip them into a tornado of mega-dinosaurs... Why do I have to think of everything??

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