Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Oblivious (To Being Gay, Get It?)

Hey, who likes gay panic and scientology jokes pretending to be a movie review? Great! ME TOO (Let's count along with the gay jokes.)

In OBLIVION, Tom Cruise plays a man dealing with certain issues within himself (1).

 "Damnit. The forecast said it was going to be raining men! Now what am I supposed to do??" (2)

In a world.... where menage a trois's's are banned by the government (thanks a lot, Obamacare!), Cruise must understand why he acts the way he does. (3)

 "Damnit, I can never figure out these stick shift vehicles. Maybe you should drive, honey." (4)

While Cruise is looking for Earth's last remaining bath house (5), Time Life operators are standing by. You never know when someone wants to take ten days to examine the book!

 "Sigh. I'm a woman, so I get to watch the man be masculine. I mean, 'masculine.'" (6)

Cruise tools around a blighted earth and discovers we blew it up, goddamn us all to hell, we blew it up. Etc. 

"Wow, this shot must have cost a fortune. I mean, this car."

Along the way he mets a group of rebels who... wait for it... live underground. Society just doesn't accept them, and yet Cruise finds himself strangely attracted to it all. (7) They do all their clothes shopping at Post-apocalyptic Republic.

"Who made you God? Oh, wait. You're Morgan Freeman. Never mind."

Cruise gets himself erotically sodomized (partial credit) by the rebels, and then gets audited to make sure his engrams are clear. (I can't believe it took me this long to make a Scientology joke. Maybe I need to hang it up...)

"Jesus, this is the worst Cirque du Soleil I've ever been to!" (8.5)

Turns out Cruise was the bad guy all along.

"For the last time, WHERE ARE YOUR BATH HOUSES?!?!?!?" (9.5)

Is it really any surprise, though?

He's gay. (10.5)

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