Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Gleaming The Moon

Gather around, everyone! In this Movie Minute we have STRANDED, a story that needed to be told--at least according to Christian Slater's accountant.

Forget GRAVITY, folks. This is the new classic in space viewing. Here we have Slater, fresh off his zero-G skateboard training, staring out soulfully from a broken space helmet. (Does this actually happen in the movie? No. Does he at least gleam a cube? NO.)

"Damn you, Cuba Gooding."

Something bad happens on a lunar base. Proving that NASA has really hit the skids, the base is populated by only four bad actors. So this quintet of knuckleheads winds up... wait for it... STRANDED. But does anyone eat anyone else? No. (Will I ever stop asking questions and answering them? Nes.)

"This should stop all those weird four-hour-long erections I've been having..."

A meteorite hits the base and an alien life form impregnates one of the scienticians.

"Sorry about not liking rubbers, babe."

Slater plays the commanding officer. He demonstrates that there is a thin line between hero and dickweed.

"Hello? I'd like to order a pepperoni pizza! Hello? Hello?!..."

The alien starts to grow really fast in order to fit the running time of the movie. Having watched Alien and Alien 2 but not the later sucky ones, the alien gets the idea to skulk around in the air ducts. Since the humans are cinematically illiterate, this plan works beautifully.

"It must be in this closet. No way would it be hiding in an air duct!"

The alien assumes the form of one of the crew members, minus the member. This makes for a nice savings in costume design, which is passed on to Christian Slater. That's the real hero--the CFO!

"We don't need no stinkin' rubber suit!"

In the end (one I thought would never arrive), the alien slays everyone and arrives on earth. The first thing it does is break into the pantry.

"This is the sloppiest pbj ever. I love it!!!"

Just kidding. Slater survives, to star in more movies for this blog!! So calm down, everyone. And dismissed (until we meet again? Yo).

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