Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A Way A Lone Ranger The

Today's Movie Minute is DISNEY'S COCA-COLA DODGE RAM TRUCK LONE RANGER BROUGHT TO YOU BY PEPPERIDGE FARM'S MAGNAVOX. It's a rootin' tootin' Western. With no rootin'. And precious little tootin'.

But, hey, Johnny Depp!! He plays a bird-brained member of Insane Clown Posse. The Pete Best of ICP, if you will (won't).

"Okay, who drank all my Faygo? Seriously, guys..."

Continuing the revered Comanche tradition of mugging in white face, Depp meets a U.S. marshall and together they have some zany adventures that for some reason cost hundreds of millions of dollars.

"That better be your elbow poking into me down there."

There's a lot about trains in this movie. Because if there's anything modern movie audiences crave, it's locomotive-based action.

"Lookit the choo-choo, everyone! LOOKIT!!!"

Best of all, who likes cliches? Someone reaches for gun, until someone steps on it. Someone's about to be executed, until they're saved at the last minute. Someone has a fine time with a prostitute, until said prostitute shoots her wooden leg at him.

"Will Smith? Is that you?!?!"

At least the romance was decent.

"I'm going to kiss you slow and soft, on the lips. So hold still, fuckface."

And what's a Western without ladies of ill-repute? Um, I'm not an expert on that era of history, but were there any normal women around who would have sex for free back then? A handy?

"This way to the baroque bordello, ladies! To get strangled!"

In the end, Depp minces and prances and vogues around in his effort to generally ruin the proceedings. But, hey, at least he reads great literature.

"Whorled without aimed, folks! Whorled without aimed.....!"

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