New Year's Shit

Hey, who enjoys New Year's Eve? Well, NEW YEAR'S EVE will rape everything you've ever known about an arbitrary calendar day! And more!

Wow, look at all those people! This must be a good movie if so many great actors agreed to be paid for it! And drinking lots and lots of Schlitz malt liquor makes me smrater!

But, seriously, the stakes have never been higher. Hilary Swank uglies up the screen as a Times Square busybody who must make sure the ball is lit and drops in time to Ryan Seacrest's vagina. HOLY CRAP THE FUCKING DRAMA

But wait--there are other plot lines also! If your heart can handle it, that is.

Michelle Pfeiffer has a GROSS romance with gay heart-throb Zac Efron.

"Who likes wrinkly puss?"

And then we have Bill Hader as a hunky dude looking for love. Will he find it? As we all know, it is EXTREMELY difficult for gorgeous people to find love.

"I sure like sucking cock. Wait. Did I say that out loud??"

Then we have Ashton Kutcher's pointing his smarmy smirk in our direction. We take cover.

"Bill Hader is soooo cute! OMG!"

If you're not convinced the universe totally hates your fucking guts, here's this guy! He tortures a political prisoner with his guitar music until they send in Seal Six to make him stop.

"Yeah, I'm pretty awful. I should just fucking die already."

Then we have Charo with the world's absolute worst human being. (I know I just implied Bon Jovi was, but maybe Seal Six will kill him soon.)

"Does coochie coochie mean what I think it means?"

The movie dutifully covers all the great themes of human existence. Like Robert De Niro's horrible acting.

"I'm dying. I shouldn't have followed Carrot Top. Fuck."

And Seth Myer's even more horrible acting.

"It says here that it's against the law for you to appear in anything, ever. Huh!"

In the most touching story of all, Halle Berry finally watches CATWOMAN on Netflix.

"It's really not that bad," not said Halle Berry.

In the end, all the plot lines converge on a sappy soppy soapy sloppy sopapilla of cinema, by the seashore. The message? Listen to your heart, people--especially if you're having an erection that lasts more than four hours.

Happy 2012 everybody!!!