What is gleaming the cube? How does one gleam a cube? How are cubes gleamed? We'll get to that, just cube your gleams. First we have a film to gleam with. Deal with. And it stars a little something my slater friends and I call CHRISTIAN SKATER. Er, Slater. That's right. Slater!
SLATER!
SLATER!!!
The movie takes us on a heart-smart journey to learn all the terms the viewer needs to know to impress the twelve-year-old kid on his block (you can't always get him to climb into your van with a bottle of coke and a moonpie, folks!). First there's Gleamin' the Cube (definition to come). We also learn:
- Oscarin' the Cuba Gooding
- Poopin' the Toilet
- Lubin' the Gleamin' Gloryhole
- Jackapackpiss Pass the Oompa Loompa
- Doin' the Neil Diamond
- Slatersodomy
- Rollin' the Board
- Slaterskatersaskatchawanabarfydoodle
But let's not lose sight of what this movie is really about: skateboarding, with skateboards. I mean, who doesn't like extreme (*bendy guitar note*) skateboardin'?
"Hold on! Hold on! I lost my contact!"
Meanwhile Slater has an adopted Vietnamese brother named H Choc. Either that, or that's something you see on a Denny's receipt.
"This is the last time I'm going to tell you: stop putting my sunglasses in the toilet."
The heavy is running guns into America in order to, uh, stop the shipment of skateboards by, uh, the CIA into our inner cities...? Mm. That'll do.
"Give me an extra order of fried rice or Miss Me Love You Longtime here learns the true meaning of Tet Offensive!"
Finally, it takes the power of the skateboard to bring down evil. Isn't this always the way?
"Aieeee! Where's a sharknado when you need one?!"
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