Our tale concerns a pair of chastity partners from Bible, Texas. They believe in the Bible, these two. In fact, they put it between them when they sleep so Satan won't try any of his funny business (anal rimming).
"Will you wear mah promise ring on yer clit, Betsy Sue Bible?"
Together they sing duets about being wholesome and loving Tim Tebow. But they sing about as well as Tebow can read the triple zone cover two red dog four.
"Jesus built my hot rod, y'all."
The two travel to bonny Scotland to convert the heathens and sing to them. The locals can't decide which is worse. They start to go all burning man on them.
"Who wants to paint Snoopy on my gut? ANYONE?!"
The movie is offensive to Christians and pagans. The men wear pagan kilts and the women check their haggis to see if they are wee or not.
"Reggie?! Is that you down there?!?"
We (me) wait all movie for the good Christians to die a proper pagan death. The head pagan announces that next week's baby eating will be at the community center basement, please show up on time and donated blankets will be accepted in the rectory, bingo is next Tuesday, and, oh yes, now let's burn these virgins Texas-style YEEEHAAAAAWW.
"Wait. Did anyone bring a lighter. Matches...?"
"Mm, your mouth tastes henbane-y...."
That leaves our pure young lady. They try to burn her, but she protests that burning people in a weird tree is wrong. It's against the Bible and whatnot. Not that she's actually read the Bible. But she assumes that's in there somewhere who wants pancakes?
"Blessed are the righteous for they shall lie down in barbecue sauce and be most flavorful."
It doesn't matter. They chase her through the forest and then bake her in a pagan pie.
"Finally something beside hog anus for dinner!"
What does this have to do with a tree of wicker? Or a wicker tree? Well, see, pagans need a fertility sacrifice, and by... uh... they... a virgin... Aw screw it. Who wants more pagan pie? Now with more Bible!
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