Tuesday, October 29, 2013


Today's Movie Minute craps in its hand and flings it at the viewer. We thank RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES. And we ask for another.

"Where're my roller skates?"

The story concerns a monkey who tragically learns he's just a CGI.

"If I am cut, do I not bleed Python HTML C++ Linux submatrix code??"

A perfectly baked James Franco tries to calm the little chimpster down by explaining how computers work, and stuff, but it's no good. He's too high. Just. Too. High.

 "Spring break, y'all. Spring break... Yawn. Fuck it."

Franco works for an evil corporation (there's a fresh concept, yo) that's trying to invent a drug to cure Alzheimer's--which is a delicious irony since watching this GIVES one Alzheimer's! (See what I did there?)

"Fuck yeah! Periwinkle!!"

Caesar the Bonobo shows his superior intelligence by stealing art supplies. He gets in trouble with his surrogate daddy--until Franco realizes he can't get high on crayola. Or can he?

"Sniff this or inject it into my anal glands? I love these Choose Your Own Adventures!"

So the lemurs get really smart, and stuff, though I have to admit they all sort of look the same to me. Sorry, that was speciesist of me to say. But, hell, they are taking our jobs. WAKE UP, PEOPLE!

"Is it too late to use the old brotha routine?"

Engaging in gorilla warfare, they go ape by occupying San Francisco and demanding financial reform.

"This ain't your grandpa's circus, homes!"

Franco writes a collection of short stories and becomes a marked man when even the primates are hatin' on his tired, beatnik-derivative shit.

 "Let's catch a brewski some day, yeah? And please check our submission policies first."

In the end, everyone becomes a lot, lot dumber. I guess that's sad in it's own way.

"I'll miss you most of all, Judah ben Hur."

More chilling than sad, however, is the threat that there are sequels in the works. Hopefully I'll have Alzheimer's by the next release.

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