Turdptation

Today's Movie Minute is brought to you by Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry, possibly the world's most inadequate human being.

Wait. Someone else is involved in this movie...

"Gaaah."

How was she? Let's get that out of the way immediately.

The critics are much too kind, but what do you expect from the lamestream media? (Double zing.)

Helpfully titled TEMPTATION: CONFESSIONS OF A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR WHO SLEEPS WITH SOME RICH DUDE WHO'S NOT HER CHRISTIAN HUSBAND AND GETS AIDS AND WINDS UP WITH A WEIRD LIMP AS AN OLD LADY AND OTHER MISOGYNIST BULLSHIT, the movie is about... well, read the title, dummy.

According to Tyler Perry, it's wrong to sleep with someone outside of your marriage because of the Bible and yet this doesn't stop him from bringing Kim Khardashian to anally rape our eyeballs repeatedly. Double standard much?

But it's heartening to see that we've come such a long way in this country that black people can now be as bland and square as the local hurdy gurdy man.

"Jesus, how many anal rape accordion songs can that guy play...?"

The story concerns a young woman who must choose between a huge dick on one hand, and a huge dick on the other. What a problem! Amirite, ladies??

She gets seduced by the rich guy's millions and his easy, relaxed, non-Biblical lifestyle.

"Hey, you want to stone some Scientologists?"

This leads to some gauzy R&B foreplay with thousands of lit candles ("Hold on, babe, I've got to light these, and this one, and these beside the tub... Oh, hell, there's another...!"), and next thing you know a simple kiss leads to butthole jamming and ravenous cunnilingus (offscreen). 

"Hope you like butthole jamming, baby."

Meanwhile, the glasses-wearing husband tries to get a job at the Daily Planet. Failing that, he winds up spending time with Brandi sorting condiments and lamenting that he's not hanging with Rihanna instead so he can take out his frustrations *wink, wink*. 

"Wait, is it condiments that protect you during sex...? Is that in Leviticus? I'm so confused."

See? I have plenty of black movie friends. Maybe YOU are the racist, my friend.