Raquel Welch And The Eternal Vagina

Hey, remember the Millions? When we were all texting by banging Allosaurus heads on stone tablets and getting porn by rubbing two trilobites together on the ridge of a Triceratops? No? Well, it's not my problem if you can't remember shit. Geez.

But, yeah, we were SO lame back then. On the other hand, the ladies kept their "caves" hair-appropriate, if you catch my paleolithic meaning. They also shaped their eyebrows with shells, rubbed platypus egg yolk in their hair, and used a LOT of bronzer made from brontosaurus piss. As was the style at the time.

"Jazz hand!" (Full-on jazz hands were still a few millennia away.)

So what is the Biblically-incorrect ONE MILLION B.C. about, you ask? It's about lithe cavewomen being attacked by stock footage. (That's right, no jazz hands yet, but there was stock footage. Go figure.) 

Then the lithe ladies demand wages equal to a Neanderthal man's. They march up from the sea and burn their chest pelts and seek out the woolly mammoth to kill (Norman Mailer).

It was also a time of spear-throwing, rock-chucking, groin-grabbing, and glued-on beards.

"Dan Hagerty?? Where's Merlin Olsen, your homoerotic sidekick?"

But let's get back to the ladies, shall we? Raquel Welch stars as a sexy lady who likes to lie out in the sun while a single vulture watches over her for minimal sunblock protection. But no need to worry about cancer since it hasn't been invented yet.

Being too irresistible, even for a pterodactyl, Welch gets snapped up and carried to a nest where she is almost devoured by baby pterodactyls. It's really quite darling, and too bad they didn't have YouTube then--a million (B.C.) hits at least! Instead she gets saved by Dan Hagerty, who then feeds her to his Siberian tiger babies. Irony!

At one point, during a Norman Mailer monologue, a fight breaks out between two dinosaurs. But one is from the Cretaceous Era and the other is from the Triassic. I mean, come on!

"We're machine washable!"

To make things even more confusing, Adam fights a teenaged T. Rex, which we all know from the Book of Leviticus is not possible since all T. Rex's were of mature age after Noah's flood. Though the rabbinical jury is still out on this issue.

Eventually, the cavemen and cavewomen learn a valuable lesson about opposable thumbs, Dan Hagerty elopes with his beard, and a volcano blows up, mercifully ending the movie. If only DANTE'S PEAK had been this rigorously accurate!