Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Raquel Welch---She's FAAANNNNtastic

While today's Movie Minute, FANTASTIC VOYAGE, may not be very good, it WILL get you three credits at the medical school of your choosing (Hollywood Upstairs Medical College).

The story concerns a quintet of dorks getting miniaturized by something science-y and injected into some guy's bloodstream as a joke. We soon learn that the human body is like a lava lamp--minus all that Jethro Tull.

Strangely, no one seems to be alarmed at the idea of being shrunk down to a microbe. Must be all the creepy people standing around with surgical masks on. They seem to know what they're doing. What could possibly go wrong??

After the procedure the men, being men, immediately check inside their jumpsuits. Talk about shrinkage! But someone, ahem, was definitely NOT miniaturized.

On a cramped ship trying to evade white corpuscles and dryer lint, Raquel Welch demonstrates that traveling through the arterial system to destroy a brain clot is not just a man's job anymore.

"What's that over there while I'm being so sexy?"

Sure, the guys at one point lock her breasts out of the science lab because she's a girl and refuses to join their rotisserie anatomy league. But it's all in good fun. She gets them back by dressing up as a sperm.

"Look at me! I'm walking against the wind, as a sperm!"

Not that the men on board mentally undress her or mentally play dress up with her...

"There's ONE body I'd like to get injected into heh heh..." he thinks to himself, out loud.

But, really, can you blame them? Otherwise they'd have to gaze upon the wonders of the human body from the inside: squishy red stuff, stringy white stuff, six lobes in the lungs, yawn yawn, we get it!

Meanwhile the normal sized men spend all movie nodding manly at each other. Because they are normal sized masculine men. And damn proud of it.

In the end, the bad guy gets eaten by a white blood cell in some sort of tasteless allegory for the AIDS epidemic. Tony Kushner was very influenced by this scene as a kid.

But the most horrifying thing is what happens to the viewer. A manual typewriter is set up and the movie title is stamped into the viewer's forehead. Repeatedly.

"Not Garamond Serif! NOOOOOO!!...."

Not all that fantastic. Nor much of a voyage. However, I wouldn't mind getting injected into the body of Barkevious Mingo. With a name like that how could it not be pure awesomeness??

Who would YOU like to get injected into? (Keep it dirty, please.)

1 comment:

  1. I know he's probably #1 on most people's list, but I've always wondered what it would be like to float around the circulatory system of J.C. Snead.