Thursday, March 14, 2013

Lights Out

Reggie came by my desk. "So I was at my girlfriend's last night..."

"Wait. Is this the one with the really ginormous nips?"


"Whew. Okay. Continue."

"Anyway, I was giving it to her in the ass, you know? and at the same time she was fucking herself with a dildo. Man, it was great. And we were listening to David Sanborn!"

"Pure heaven."

"But just as I was feeling the pressure build, just when we were both starting to scream out our orgasms, there came this CLUNK and the lights went out! But it wasn't a blackout. It was just her apartment. She hadn't paid her electric bill! I couldn't believe it. The dildo slid out and we just sat there leaking in the dark."

"Maybe it's best not to see...? And best not to hear...?"

"I was pissed, man. This chick's got no common sense. How can you just let your electric bill go like that? She started cryin' and shit. She said it wasn't her fault, but I asked her whose fault is it, then? She didn't have a word to say. Anyway, she needs a hundred dollars so they can at least turn on the power again. We went over to her brother's place to see if he could help her out, because I'm broke this week, man. The guy lives in a double-wide. Pizza boxes up to here, laundry. He had rubber tires in the den, trailing oil across the carpet. Just filthy. Linens the color of this brown desk. The guy was wearing his pajama bottoms and nothing else, his gut hanging out, long greasy hair, smoking a cigar and drinking beers. That was it for me. I said my hellos and then my goodbyes. Told him we had dinner reservations to get to. Anyway, can I borrow a hundred dollars?"

"Last week my dad got a call from my brother. He had been in a car accident. He sounded weird on the phone, but he explained that his nose was broken and he had seven stitches in his lip. The Mexican police wouldn't release his ID until he paid for the damage to the truck he hit, so he needed 1600 dollars wired to him. It was an emergency. So my dad hurried to Western Union and wired the money. A few days went by and he started to worry that my brother hadn't made it out of Mexico safely. When my brother answered the phone, my dad said, 'Oh, you're back.' My brother said, 'Huh?' Turns out the whole thing had been a scam ha ha. My brother was pretty offended that my dad would be so quick to believe such a cockamamie story about him, while my dad used it as proof that he had heart, after all."

Reggie stared blankly. "So can you give me a hundred bucks?"

"I answered you in parable form. No, is what the parable meant."

"Well, can your dad?"

"You can try."

Later that day, working up the courage, Reggie called my dad. He pretended to be my other brother, using a honky tone of voice. My dad wired a thousand dollars to him immediately. Reggie was ecstatic. He was going to buy his girlfriend the best dildo money could buy!!

I was so amazed that I thought I should call ol' Pops for some free money too. What could go wrong?

"Hi, Dad, I'm having some money problems this month, and I--"


*sad trombone*

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