Monday, February 18, 2013

The Steel Bar Code

Look at that big 7! What does it signify? Why, it means that we're up to Chapter Seven in GALAXY REVOLT! And you thought nothing interesting was happening in your wretched life!!

For those of you keeping score at home, this is page thirty of a 230 page novel. It's reassuring that I was completely insane at a very young age. Reassuring, or deeply troubling. Why do we have to choose?

Anyway, let's now go to a small village, shall we? Let's hope there's a grammar teacher, or a grammar robot, or a sex robot that barks and when it barks it shoots grammar bees at you.

"When Rex was deactivated Manuel looked down at him and then looked up at the men furiously picking up a steel bar and running after them yelling."

Where to being with the syntactic Vietnam that is this sentence? First Manuel looks down at Rex, who is as usual deactivated, and then looks up at the men. Uh, then the men or Manuel (?) furiously picks up a "steel bar." How, you ask, does one pick up something furiously? With short, stabbing motions, but making sure not to throw out your back--because nothing is more ridiculous than being furious with a slipped disc.

Now furiously armed with a "steel bar" the men or Manuel (this is still the same sentence) run after them yelling.

I doubt even Dan Brown could write something that bad.

"Grabbing the gilded frame, the seventy-six-year-old man heaved the masterpiece toward himself until it wore from the wall and Sauniere collapsed backward in a heap beneath the canvas yelling and Tom Hanks looked on like a smug douche."

Never mind. I win again.